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Witness for the Prosecution
A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case, saying " ... and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table!"
It can buy a House But not a Home
It can buy a Bed But not Sleep
It can buy a Clock But not Time
It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge
It can buy you a Position But not Respect
It can buy you Medicine But not Health
It can buy you Blood But not Life
It can buy you Sex But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. Cash only please.
If you have tried the traditional mental health route...and are still having attitude problems....consider having an OPTORECTOMY procedure.
The purpose of this operation is to sever the cord that connects your rectum to your eyes and, hopefully, alleviates your poopy outlook on life.
The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly."
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?"
"Oh, yes" the mother answered. "They do wonders for me."
"And how is your son now?" he asked.
"Who cares?" she replied.
Female Keywords And Their Meanings
Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you
in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
:::......:This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
...::...: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that."... Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie.
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
I hope this clears up most misunderstandings...
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $50, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $10 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...
"Clean my house.
"Courtesy of George Carlin?"
f people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
The Birds & The Bees
A momma asked her ten-year- old son if he knew about "The Birds & The Bees"
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the mother asked her son what was wrong.
"Oh Mom," he sobbed, " at age six I got the... 'there's no Santa' speech."
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech.
Then at age eight you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!!!"
Staff Meeting In Heaven
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of President Clinton and Rep. Condit had brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.
It's election time and G.W. Bush decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.
GW had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.
"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
Bush was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.
I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, GW was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised in Texas, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya!"
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Susan," he whispered.
"Hush, my love,"she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."
He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."
"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.
The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Auotmated Psychiatric Hotline
"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
"If you are OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, please press 1 repeatedly.
"If you are CO-DEPENDENT, please ask someone to press 2.
"If you have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
"If you are PARANOID-DELUSIONAL, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
"If you are SCHIZOPHRENIC, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
"If you are MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A.. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
A. So what's your question?
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
A. When the kids are in college.
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon-the veteran Pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of complications from repeated pokes in the belly and a chronic yeast infection. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
This old man in his 80's got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, "Where are your going?"
He said, "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"
"No" he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills."
So his wife got up and out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"
She said, "I'm going to the doctor too".
He said, "Why?'
She said. "If you're going to start using the rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot"
My Appetite Is My Shepard (Pound 23)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
More On Falling In Love
What happens when you fall in love with a ...
A clockmaker? He two-times you.
A pastry cook? He desserts you.
A shoe salesman? He walks all over you.
An elevator operator? He lets you down.
A jogger? He gives you the run-around.
Heaven or Hell...
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a Pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in also."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you know where you can go..."
Things Only A Mother Can Teach You
- My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... Just wait until your father gets home."
- My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
- My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
- My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
- My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
- My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
- My Mother taught me ESP...Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
- My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
- My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
- My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"
- My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
- My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
- My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand.
- And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."
The Proctologist's Office
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT~
Out Of The Mouth Of A Babe
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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© Copyright Gail R. Mitchell..