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Summer 2001

Election Campaigning

It's election time and G.W. Bush decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

GW had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

Bush was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, GW was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised in Texas, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya!"

The Poison

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love,"she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you

80th Birthday

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.

The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Auotmated Psychiatric Hotline

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
"If you are OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, please press 1 repeatedly.
"If you are CO-DEPENDENT, please ask someone to press 2.
"If you have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
"If you are PARANOID-DELUSIONAL, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
"If you are SCHIZOPHRENIC, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
"If you are MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer."


Funny Quote

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Steven Wright

Pregnancy Q&A

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A.. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.


Humorous Memorial

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon-the veteran Pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of complications from repeated pokes in the belly and a chronic yeast infection. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

~

Short Funnies

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally,  I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I  found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

~

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Submitted By BjBrown4

~

Viagra

This old man in his 80's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are your going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No" he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills."

So his wife got up and out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too".

He said, "Why?'

She said. "If you're going to start using the rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot"

~

My Appetite Is My Shepard (Pound 23)

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

~

More On Falling In Love

What happens when you fall in love with a ...

A clockmaker? He two-times you.

A pastry cook? He desserts you.

A shoe salesman? He walks all over you.

An elevator operator? He lets you down.

A jogger? He gives you the run-around.

~

Heaven or Hell...

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a Pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in also."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you know where you can go..."

Things Only A Mother Can Teach You

  • My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...   Just wait until your father gets home."
  • My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
  • My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you ...  Don't talk back to me!"
  • My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
  • My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
  • My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
  • My Mother taught me ESP...Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
  • My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"
  • My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
  • My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
  • My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand.
  • And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

The Proctologist's Office

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT
~

Out Of The Mouth Of A Babe

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.   As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

~

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
    And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
    Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

    If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
    Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
    That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
    Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
    Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

~

New State Slogans For Florida

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of elective dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Also: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

You Live In New York If

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.

You think Central Park is "nature."

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.

You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.

America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

You don't hear sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish...That's NYC!

Visit To Grandpa In The Hospital

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

~

New Edition of the Night Before Christmas Tradition

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin.'
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks that butthead, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with some regret, says
"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!

Southern Tourism Bureau warning to all visiting Yankees:

Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These have been known to beat a man's ass for less.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.

Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (eg, Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.

We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.

And last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

Fertile Senior Citizens

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child.They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar".

A Study In Math

Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute she was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Tommy got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looked at her and said,

"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

"The Rules of Chocolate"

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution is simple: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

LAWYER IN AN ACCIDENT

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

The Visit

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, "I'll handle this."

She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night."

The father agrees, "All right."

He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"

The Street Person

A street person approached a passerby and said, "Sir, would you give me $100 for a cup of coffee?"

"That's ridiculous! Do you really think anyone in their right mind would pay that much for a cup of coffee?"

"Just a yes or'no, buddy," the beggar growled. "I don't need a damn lecture about how to run my business."

The Construction Workers

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

Medical Daffynitions

    Artery: The study of painting
    Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
    Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
    Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
    Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
    CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
    Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
    Coma: A punctuation mark
    Enema: Someone who is not your friend
    Fester: Quicker
    Fibula: A small lie
    Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
    Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
    Node: Was aware of
    Outpatient: A patient who fainted
    Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
    Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
    Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
    Seizure: A Roman emperor
    Tablet: A small table
    Terminal: Where the planes land
    Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
    Varicose: Nearby
    Vein: To be conceited

Glasses

My face in the mirror
isn?t wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn?t dirty
the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks so lovely,
And so does my lawn.
I think I might never
Put my glasses back on
.

Imagine hearing Julie Andrews singing this..........

    Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillac's, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
    Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak, When the bones creak, When the knees go bad, Then I remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions
    Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames
    When we remember our favorite things

    When the joints ache, when the hips break, when the eyes grow dim,
    Then I remember the great life I've had
    And then I don't feeeeeeel so bad!

"What Doctors Say, And What They're Really Thinking"

    "This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
    and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

    "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

    "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
    any more time with you.

    "Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
    I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
    --or-- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

    "We have some good news and some bad news."
    The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
    news is, you're going to pay for it.

    "Let's see how it develops."
    Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

    "Let me schedule you for some tests."
    I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

    "I'd like to have my associate look at you."
    He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

    "I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
    I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig."If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
    I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

    "That's quite a nasty looking wound."
    I think I'm going to throw up.

    "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
    I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

    "This should fix you up."
    The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

    "Everything seems to be normal."
    Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

    "I'd like to run some more tests."
    I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

    "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
    You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

    "There is a lot of that going around."
    My goodness, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

    "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
    I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank heaven I'm off next week.

Losing Her Mind

"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

The Porridge

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl and it's empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, "How many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"

Act of God

There was a minister whose wife was expecting a baby. So the minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the minister's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 5 or 6 children, this started to get expensive, so the congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the minister's pay situation As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the minister got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said, "Point of information: snow and rain are also acts of God but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

~

Those Long Sermons Will Get You Every Time!

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"

The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service."

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Please tell me ... was that the morning service or the evening service?"

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out without thinking, "Oh my God!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,? You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and answered, "It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful

Einstein Funny

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."


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