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Autumn 1999

ANNUAL CHECKUP

A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, 'You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?

She says, 'I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, 'Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?'

She says, 'Well, your name never came up.'


SON TAKING HIS DAD TO A PROSPECTIVE NURSING HOME

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left.

A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The older man started to tilt slowly to the right.

An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him.

About this time, the son returned." Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."


GETTING OLDER

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty year old." You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy year old. When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.

"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy year old.

"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight.

You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty.

What's so tough about being eighty ?"

To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up until ten-thirty!"


CORONARY SURGERY

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely."

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."


"Out of the Mouth of Babes"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."


A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


SUNDAY MORNING SERVICE

One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000-member congregation was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe in black and carrying sub-machine guns.

One of the men proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where you are." Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.

The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you may begin your service. Have a nice day!"

And the two men turned and walked out.


TRUE STORY: WHERE HAS ALL THE LIPSTICK GONE?

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

A CAT always hits the litter box.

Better chance of training a CAT.

No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don't have to pretend you like it.

You never have to spend time with your Cat's mother.

If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

It's okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

You don't have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.

A CAT knows you're the key to his happiness...a man thinks he is.

If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.


THE MERMAID

There's these three guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.

If you cann really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: "Triple my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: "Quintuple my I.Q." The mermaid looks at him and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider.

" The guy says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." "

Please," says the mermaid "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done."

And he became a woman


NUNS VS. DRACULA

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*%! off our car!"


DOG TALK

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar an announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"

The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."

The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"

The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?"


YOU KNOW YOU ARE OLD WHEN

Your dreams are reruns;

the stewardess offers coffee, tea or Milk of Magnesia;

you sit in a rocking chair and can't get it started;

everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work;

-a pretty girl prompts your pacemaker to lift the garage door;

you sink your teeth into a juicy steak and they stay there.


MORE COMPUTER HUMOR

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write

It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh

My chequer tolled me sew.


ON THE GOLF COURSE

(you don't have to like golf to appreciate this one)

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror asher ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing thenext hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell on the groundand proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

"Oomph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"


PRAYING

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE ...

I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO ...

I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR ... "

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grammar is!"


HA HA

Stumpy Grider and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said, "ya know Mahtha, ah'd like to get a ride in that theah aihplane.

" Every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs..and ten doolahs is ten dollahs." Stumpy says "By jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go.

" Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs..and ten dollahs is ten dollahs.

The pilot overhears them and says. "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars.

" They agree, and up they go..the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

As he lands, he turns to Stumpy and says "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!!"

Stumpy replied, "Well, ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!!"


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