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Winter 1999

MAXIMS FOR THE INTERNET AGE 

Home is where you hang your @.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don't byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Windows will never cease.
Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There's no place like www.home.com.
Know what to expect before you connect.
Speed thrills.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
submitted by Way2Glo
~

JOKES 3 FROM SGH34

THE NUT HOUSE

A fellow worked in the 'nut house" and wanted to do something nice for the inmates.
So he decided to take them to a baseball game. He had an orientation session with them on how they should act. 

"When I say "Nuts stand, everybody stand up. When I say nuts sit, everybody sit.
And when is say nuts cheers, everybody cheer."

So the day of the game came and when they played the national anthem, he said "Nuts stand." And everybody stood. When it was over he said, "Nuts sit," and everybody sat.

At the seventh inning, everything was going so well that he left them with the aide and went to get a cup of coffee. When he returned, it was mass chaos. "What happened?" he asked the aide.

"Well," the aide said, "everything was going great until this guy came around yelling 
'Pea----nuts!!"

A CLINTON JOKE

Bill Clinton was fishing one day when his boat began to leak and sank. Bill was floundering around in the water when three boys on the shore jumped in and saved him. Clinton was so grateful that he told the boys they could have anything they wanted. 

The first boy said he wanted to go to Disneyland. "I'll take you there myself," said the president. 
The second boy said he wanted to meet Michael Jordan. "I'll introduce you to him. We can have lunch too. 

And what do you want? he asked the third boy. 

"I want one of those new electronic wheelchairs with the automatic controls and a TV mounted on it." 

"What do you want a wheelchair for, you are not crippled," asked the president. 

The third boy replied, "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved you he will cripple me for sure." 

WORDS ON LIFE

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week, my schedule is full.
Time may be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your fat
and your body are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually
be sedated by a piece of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it!!

THE SCUBA DIVER

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

DENTAL DILEMMA

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
~

SAME WORDS - DIFFERENT MEANING


A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note.
A window was something you hated to clean...
And ram was the cousin of a goat...

Meg was the name of a girl
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things

And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

SUBMITTED JRICKEYE

FIRST GRADE

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon 
as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, 
I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's 
records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 
'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' 
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and 
the teacher explained Larry's problem. 
The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he 
could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he 
belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state 
capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. 
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 
'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher 
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. 
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' 
asked the teacher. 
'Pockets!' said Larry. 
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 
'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

(author unknown)

LITTLE OLD LADY

A kindly stranger was walking through a park when he noticed an elderly
lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. The stranger stopped and
asked her what was wrong. The old woman replied "I have a 22 year old
husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed
coffee."
"Then why are you crying?" the stranger asked.
"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me half the afternoon." the old lady cried.
"So why are you crying?" the stranger asked again.
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 am." the old lady cried.
Once again the stranger asked "Why in the world would you be crying?"
The old wailed "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

(SUBMITTED BY HALLIE35)

PINK PANTIES

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and
going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm.

Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and wondered what he was doing.

At an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough
to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.

The President replied: "It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."

LICENSE PLATES 

Two women are driving from New York to California. Around Malibu, the passenger spots a vanity license plate, OYGRWUP.

"Hey, look! That tag says, 'Oy, grow up!' "

"Are you kidding?" says the driver. "We're in California, not New York. It says, 'Oh,
why grow up?' "

A WOMAN'S FANTASY

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

SUBMITTED BY KG2 and SUBMITTED BY E_SPRAGUE
~

PEANUTS

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts,  he emptied most of the bowl."I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few." 

"Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them." 

SATAN AND JESUS
Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most
out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of
hearing all the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test 
that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They did spreadsheets. 
They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out 
e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. 
They made cards. They did every known job.

Just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a streak of lightning 
flashed from the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. The 
electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed; he ranted and 
raved-all to no avail. The electricity stayed off.

After a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan 
screamed, "I lost everything when the power went off! What am I going to 
do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had 
done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he 
pushed "print," it was all there. "How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."
Submitted by BJbrown4

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef with broccorri?"

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND THE BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being cooperative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

THE HEALING TOUCH

One day in heaven, the Lord decided he would visit the Earth and take a stroll.


Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying. The Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?" 

The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. The Lord touched the man...he could see, and he was happy.

As the Lord walked further, he met another man crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man was born a cripple and was never able to walk. The Lord touched him, he was able to walk, and he was happy.

Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was crying and asked, "Why are you crying, my son?" The man said, "Lord, I work for the Government." The Lord sat down and cried with him.

LAST REQUEST

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have
everything."

WOMEN'S Q & A TIME 

Q:: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A:: We don't know; it has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.

Q: When do you care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes

Q: What did God say after creating Adam?
A: "I MUST be able to do better than that!"

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?
A: "No need to mess with Perfection."

Q:: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you." 

SUBMITTED BY BJBROWN4

THE LITTLE CHIHUAHUA

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:

Second man: Is that your dog outside?

First man: Aye. What of it?

Second man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.

First man, stunned: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, e's a Chihuahua.

First man: Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

THREE WISE WOMEN

You DO know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you??

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts

Submitted by JRickey

TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR MEN

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago,
Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out
of Toilet Paper!

READING THE SCALE 

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

SOCIAL SECURITY

An old man decided to sign up for social security benefits.
He goes to the Social Security Office. Upon arrival at the
clerks desk, she asks for proof of age. He reaches for his
wallet. Embarrassed, the man realizes that he left his wallet
home.

After explaining to the clerk she replies, "Don't worry, just
open your shirt. If your chest hair is gray, you qualify."

The man opens his shirt and was signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he tells the story to his wife. She
looked at him, smiled, and said, "Too bad they didn't ask you
to drop your pants. You'd qualify for disability too!"

DOCTORS 

A little old woman called the Hospital, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person
who gives patient information."

"Hold I will connect you." 

Then a very authoritative voice asks, "Are you the lady who is calling for patient information?"
She said, "Yes - I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.
" He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank Goodness! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's great news!" The guy on the other end answered, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member." 

She said, "Close? I'll say! ... I AM Sarah Finkel! But my doctor doesn't tell me anything!"

ALMOST A DROWNING

Three boys were walking along a lake when they heard someone struggling
in the water. At a closer look, they found President Clinton, who had slipped away from his secret service, going down for his last breath.

The boys looked at each other and decided that the right thing to do was to jump in and save him. They jumped in and brought him to shore. When he regained his composure, he thanked the boys and offered them anything they wanted.

The first boy thought about what it was that he would ask of the president and finally decided that he would like a presidential appointment to West Point.

The second boy agreed that a presidential appointment would be nice but he wanted to go to Annapolis.

The third boy thought and thought and thought, and finally he arrived at his decision. "Mr.President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National
Cemetery"

The president was taken aback and asked the boy why he would ask for such an unusual reward at his young age.

The boy replied "When my father finds out I saved your life, he is going to kill me!"

Submitted by KG2


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