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Winter 2000

Election Campaigning

It's election time and G.W. Bush decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech.

GW had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited.

"I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

Bush was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm.

I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, GW was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised in Texas, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya!"

The Poison

Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love,"she said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you

80th Birthday

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one too.

The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Auotmated Psychiatric Hotline

"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
"If you are OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE, please press 1 repeatedly.
"If you are CO-DEPENDENT, please ask someone to press 2.
"If you have MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
"If you are PARANOID-DELUSIONAL, we know who you are and
what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
"If you are SCHIZOPHRENIC, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.
"If you are MANIC-DEPRESSIVE, it doesn't matter which number
you press. No one will answer."


Funny Quote

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"
I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

Steven Wright

Pregnancy Q&A

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A.. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.


Humorous Memorial

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon-the veteran Pillsbury spokesman, the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of complications from repeated pokes in the belly and a chronic yeast infection. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough, and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

~

Short Funnies

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

Finally,  I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I  found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

~

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.

Submitted By BjBrown4

~

Viagra

This old man in his 80's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are your going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No" he said. "I'm going to get me some of those Viagra pills."

So his wife got up and out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too".

He said, "Why?'

She said. "If you're going to start using the rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot"

~

My Appetite Is My Shepard (Pound 23)

My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.

~

More On Falling In Love

What happens when you fall in love with a ...

A clockmaker? He two-times you.

A pastry cook? He desserts you.

A shoe salesman? He walks all over you.

An elevator operator? He lets you down.

A jogger? He gives you the run-around.

~

Heaven or Hell...

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a Pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in also."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you know where you can go..."

Things Only A Mother Can Teach You

  • My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...   Just wait until your father gets home."
  • My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!"
  • My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you ...  Don't talk back to me!"
  • My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
  • My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
  • My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
  • My Mother taught me ESP...Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
  • My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
  • My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
  • My Mother taught me about SEX...."How do you think you got here?"
  • My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father."
  • My Mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
  • My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand.
  • And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like."

The Proctologist's Office

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The Doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........ Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT
~

Out Of The Mouth Of A Babe

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.   As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

~

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?

    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
    And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
    And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
    Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
    And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
    And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
    Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

    If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
    Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
    But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
    That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

    And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
    So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
    Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
    'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
    And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
    Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
    Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

~

New State Slogans For Florida

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of elective dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Also: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

You Live In New York If

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.

You think Central Park is "nature."

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.

You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.

America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

You don't hear sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish...That's NYC!

Visit To Grandpa In The Hospital

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

~

New Edition of the Night Before Christmas Tradition

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin.'
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks that butthead, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with some regret, says
"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!

Southern Tourism Bureau warning to all visiting Yankees:

Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These have been known to beat a man's ass for less.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.

Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (eg, Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.

We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.

And last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

Fertile Senior Citizens

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child.They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar".


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