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When some doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new
wing at a hospital,
the allergists voted to scratch it;
the dermatologists preferred no rash moves;
the gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it;
the microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein;
the neurologists thought the administration "had a lot of nerve";
the obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception;
the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the orthopedists issued a joint resolution;
the parasitologists said, "Well, if you encyst";
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!";
the pediatricians said, "Grow up!";
the proctologists said, "We are in arrears";
the psychiatrists thought it was madness;
the radiologists could see right through it;
the internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow;
the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter";
the podiatrists thought it was a big step forward;
the physiotherapists thought they were being manipulated;
the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water;
the anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no;
the audiologists were deaf to the idea.
and finally, the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Needless to say, the idea of contributing to a new wing didn't fly!
"The Rules for Driving in New York City"
1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
5) Always look both ways when running a red light.
6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
NOAH IN THE YEAR 2000
If Noah had lived in the United States in the year 2000 the story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But, I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices.
Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.
Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.
And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years." Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
LUV TO BE TEN AGAIN
A man said to his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday"
She replied, "I'd love to be Ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and
off they go to a theme Park.
Every ride in the Park, he puts her on it. The Death Slide, The Screaming loop, The Wall of Fear, everything there is she has a go. She staggers out of the theme park five hours
later, her head is reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonalds they go, where she's given a Double Big Mac with extra fries. Then off to cinema to see Star Wars, more burgers, popcorn, Cola and sweets. At last she staggers home with her husband and collapses in to bed. Husband leans over and says, "Well, dear what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "actually, I meant dress size!"
A REAL GOODY
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends weigh more than me.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
Discover wildlife! Have kids!
Our policy is to always blame the computer.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it!
Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of the kids would you like?
By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.
THE LOVE DRESS
The mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly by her recently married son and daughter-in-law's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" asked the mother-in-law.
"I am waiting for my husband to come from work," the daughter-in-law said.
"Why are you naked?" the mother-in-law inquired.
"This is my love dress," replied the daughter-in-law.
"LOVE DRESS!" You are naked!" exclaimed the mother-in-law.
"But my husband loves it when I wear my love dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because he will be home any minute now," said the daughter-in-law.
Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "Love Dress" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume and waited at the door for her husband to come home.
Finally, he drove up the driveway and she took her place at the door. The father-in-law opened the door and immediately saw his wife naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
"Needs ironing!" he responded.
TEN SIGNS OF A FRUSTRATED MOTHER
1. Your children know how to read HTML code but can't operate a vacuum cleaner.
2. Your children tell you that you said "yes" and you don't even remember the question.
3. You go to the grocery store and find yourself having a good time.
4. Your husband asks how your day went and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 repeats of "stop that!" or "no!".
5. You can't remember the last time you didn't have to share your drink.
6. You mistakenly tell the kids it's "sanity" time when you meant to say "bed" time.
7. The laundry seems to have taken on an evil nature and you begin to feel that it's out to get you.
8. You dread hearing the phone ring because it's a sure sign there's about to be trouble amongst the children.
9. It's finally your turn on the computer and "Touched by an Angel" is just coming on.
10.You go to sleep with "I'm bored" or "I'm hungry" still ringing in your ears.
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into Shredded Wheat.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few bucks.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after
A young boy ran into the kitchen where his mom was cooking dinner. All out of breath he asked, "Mom, is it true people are made out of dust?"
"Why, but yes?" answered his mom with a tone of concern.
"Well then, is it true they turn back into dust when they die?" he asked.
The puzzled mom responded, "Yes, that's true too. Why all these questions?"
"Well," the boy replied, "there's somebody under my bed either coming or going!"
A NEW MEANING FOR THE BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you "know" the Bible?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for "Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for
as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost...
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
The Loudmouth Mechanic from the Bronx....
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes. Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you?
"Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctah, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."
A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second in your time." Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was to him. God replied, "A million dollars is like a single penny to you."" Then the young man got up the courage and asked, "God, could I have one of your pennies?" God smiled and replied, "Certainly, just a second."
LETTER FROM GRANDMA
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal.
I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be
thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother
snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks,
"Are we really, really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really, really poisonous.
In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites?
Why do tug boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?
THE MEDICAL EXAM
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me."
"Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"
"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."
"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.
"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad, and I have strong principles against it."
"Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"
"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night and I always have been."
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"
"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."
"Ah," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
A lady approaches her priest & tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have 2 female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your 2 female parrots over to my house & I will put them with my 2 male talking parrots whom I taught to pray & read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase & your female parrots will learn to praise & worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His 2 male parrots are holding rosary beads & praying in their cage. The lady puts her 2 female parrots in with the male parrots & the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot & exclaims,
"Put the beads away, our prayers have been answered."
A LOOK IN THE MIRROR
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as a fat Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty with PMS and pimples: i.e. UGLY - refuses to go out looking like this.
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but too busy to fix it so she's going anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror any more. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun.
Maybe we should all grab that purple hat a little earlier!
On a cruise ship, one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."
You Know You're Getting Old When........
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You send money to PBS.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
The True Definition of a Bitch
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way,
I'm called a bitch.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being
everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
I am proud to be a bitch!
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. By God, I want what I want
and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every
ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed. And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
1970's VS 2000
1970: Long hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual funds
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.
1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.
1970: Douglas Street bridge.
2000: Dental bridge.
1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
1970: Seeds and stems.
1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.
1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.
1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.
1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.
1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.
1970: Being called into the principal's office.
2000: Calling the principal's office.
1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system!
1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.
1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.
1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.
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© Copyright 1998-2000 by Gail R. Mitchell.