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Spring 2003

11 People on a Rope

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she w ill voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands

Defi Nitions

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor:
A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust:: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage

The Hearing Aid

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is!"

What's My Address?

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two Elderly Women

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Healthy Foods

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yea," and woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Italian Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then brought running shoes so that his children might loose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

A New Type Of Wedding Registry

Gene, age 89, and Lillian, age 78, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Gene suggests they go in. Gene addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers: "Yes."

Gene: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Gene: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Gene: "Medicine for rheumatism, sclerosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Gene: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Gene: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Gene: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Gene: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Gene says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

Interesting Concepts

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Some days you are the pigeon--some days the statue.

Who put 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and thought to myself, " Where the heck is the ceiling?"

A picture is worth 1000 words. But requires a lot more memory.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths closed?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

Ever notice how drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, but healthy folks can buy cigarettes up-front?

Why do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counter?

How come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?

Adapted From Anonymous Forwards
~
Old Age Alphabet

  • A for arthritis,
  • B for bad back,
  • C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
  • D is for dental decay and decline,
  • E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
  • F is for fissures and fluid retention
  • G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
  • H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
  • I is for incisions with scars you can show.
  • J is for joints, that now fail to flex
  • L for libido--what happened to sex?
  • Wait! I forgot about K!
  • K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
  • M is for my memory which ain't worth a cent
  • N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
  • O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
  • P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
  • Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
  • Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
  • R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
  • S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
  • T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
  • U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
  • V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
  • W is worry, now what's going 'round?
  • X is for X ray--and what might be found.
  • Y for another year I've left behind
  • Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

I have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed and kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Author Unknown
~
Bill Gates And God

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"

Interesting Concepts

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Some days you are the pigeon--some days the statue.

Who put 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and thought to myself, " Where the heck is the ceiling?"

A picture is worth 1000 words. But requires a lot more memory.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths closed?

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

Ever notice how drugstores make sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, but healthy folks can buy cigarettes up-front?

Why do banks leave both doors open, but chain the pens to the counter?

How come Tarzan doesn't have a beard?

Adapted From Anonymous Forwards
~
Old Age Alphabet

  • A for arthritis,
  • B for bad back,
  • C is for chest pains. Perhaps cardiac?
  • D is for dental decay and decline,
  • E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.
  • F is for fissures and fluid retention
  • G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention
  • H high blood pressure (I'd rather have low)
  • I is for incisions with scars you can show.
  • J is for joints, that now fail to flex
  • L for libido--what happened to sex?
  • Wait! I forgot about K!
  • K is for my knees that crack when they're bent
  • M is for my memory which ain't worth a cent
  • N for neurosis, pinched nerves and stiff neck
  • O is for osteo- and all bones that crack
  • P for prescriptions, I have quite a few
  • Give me another pill; I'll be good as new!
  • Q is for queasiness. Fatal or flu?
  • R is for reflux--one meal turns into two
  • S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears
  • T for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears
  • U is for urinary: difficulties with flow
  • V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy", you know.
  • W is worry, now what's going 'round?
  • X is for X ray--and what might be found.
  • Y for another year I've left behind
  • Z is for zest that I still have my mind,

I have survived all the symptoms my body's deployed and kept twenty-six doctors gainfully employed!!!

Author Unknown
~
Bill Gates And God

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell." "As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"

he Five Stages of Life

To Grow Up
To Fill Out
To Slim Down
To Hold It In
To Hell With It
~

Out of Gas

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved good-bye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said, "Sisters, I don't think it will work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

New Medications For Women

D A M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the
memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-andro-tic for single women. Increases resistance to such lines
as, "You make me want to be a better person .... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Can also be slipped into a husband's "Hungry Man Dinner," rendering him jovial at the prospect of paying for said shopping spree...

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary or phone number.

A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome- when administered to a husband, it alters his consciousness, making him think he's made whoopie for 48 solid hours, thus sparing a wife considerable wear and tear.

R A G A M E T
When taken by a wife, provides the same satisfaction as ragging on your husband all weekend, and actually having him complete all his "Honey-do's!" When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


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