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You Live In New York If
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You don't hear sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish...That's NYC!
Visit To Grandpa In The Hospital
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
New Edition of the Night Before Christmas Tradition
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin.'
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks that butthead, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with some regret, says
"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!
Southern Tourism Bureau warning to all visiting Yankees:
Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These have been known to beat a man's ass for less.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.
Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (eg, Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.
Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.
We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.
We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.
And last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.
Fertile Senior Citizens
An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child.They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.
The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar".
The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
The real estate agent sat the prospective buyers in front of his desk. Then he smiled and said, "First you folks tell me what you can afford to spend for a co-op. We'll have a big laugh over that. Then we'll get down to business."
Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a medium, who promised she would contact the dead man. During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.
"Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my table."
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"
"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.
"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"
"My hat would fall down over my eyes."
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance?
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
You have your resume on a diskette.
Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desktop.
The Private Club
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings,a man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous. Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Well, OK, go ahead if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year."
"What price did he quote you?"
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else."
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year -- it's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property . . ."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000. A magnificent price and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it!"
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye, I love you, too!"
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present. "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Soon she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I'll explain it to you."
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, then fell to the floor with a heart attack. The medic asked what had triggered the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, and two without."
A Dog's Demise
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. The doctor placed his stethoscope on the dog's chest, shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
The man screamed, "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
The doctor left the room and a few moments later, returned with a Labrador Retriever. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark ... definitely dead".
Then the vet left the room again and a few minutes later, returned with a cat, who also checked out the dead dog on the table. The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow ... definitely dead."
Then the veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600.
The man went nuts and yelled, "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the lab test and the cat scan, it's extra."
(I believe I received at least six submissions of the following joke. Please take it in the lightheatedness it was meant to be> :))
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married
O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack andNoe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later
married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.
Crock O. Schitt
What Are Their Names?
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman and seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what is their names?"
The man, giving the lady an angry look, replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company!"
Don't you wish when life is bad
And things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?
Things would all turn out ok,
life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete
Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot
You'd like to have another job
but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new,
Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to
come out of the jar. During her struggle, the
phone rang so she asked her four-year old
daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come
to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
A father was approached by his small son who said, "I know the Bible!"
The father replied, "What do you mean you know the Bible?"
The son replied, "I know what the Bible stands for!"
The father said, "So, what does the Bible stand for?"
The son replied, "It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them could accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.
Their doctor told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple liked the suggestion and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans and making lots of noise. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
The Three Envelopes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'
Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe-keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check, got up, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you're a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I safely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Putting The Cat Out...
A couple was going out for the evening to celebrate wife's birthday. They'd gotten ready - all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of their home, the cat shoots back into the house.
Not wanting their often rowdy cat to have free run of the house while they were out, the husband went back upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the car, and said, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
Super Granny-Defender Of Justice
Short and funny.... Super Granny: Defender of Justice (True Story) An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments!
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
"All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths!"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
Lucky Number 5
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
It Can't Get No Worse Then This
There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building and got to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
Caught In The Tracks
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught in the railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!" Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!" Still nothing and the train was just seconds away!
He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and fornicating."
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way in the nick of time.
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
Your Daily Moment Of Zen
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper that's the time to do it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
\If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Three old sisters-92, 94, and 96 years old, respectively; all lived together.
One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the
The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?"
The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up, then paused, and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"
What Did You Do Today?
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.
As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.
He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"
"Yes, was his reply."
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Their Last Meal
Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are surprised and reply "STRAWBERRIES?"
"But they are out of season!"
Hello To My Special Friends
I'm writing you to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover.
The scientific world is frantically searching for a cure because this is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones and try to explain what really happened to you all those times YOU tried so hard to accomplish something and didn't.
I call it the "But First Syndrome." You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry. I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. Okay, I'm going to do the laundry....BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. Okay, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.... BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid.
Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oops....there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook....BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away.... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.
I head for door and.... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants.... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat....
At the end of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still missing, and the cat ate the darn remote control.... AND, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!!
I realize this condition is serious....and I should get help! BUT FIRST....I think I'll check my Email. You know, this retirement is tough! I'm so busy I can't get anything done! Maybe I should get another job, BUT FIRST.....I'll say hello to my special friends. Hello
An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbersbut lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Expressions For Women Who Are Stressed
You - Off my planet
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
A Winter Funny
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the Chief replied that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people, to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again, "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be *very* cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
Actual Clippings From Church Newsletters
Where's The Proofreader?
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"
Made In The USA.....
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan)
for 6:00a.m. While his coffee pot (made in China) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).He put on a dress shirt (made in Sri Lanka),designer jeans (made in Singapore), and tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking his breakfast in his electric skillet [made in India), he sat down with his calculator (made in Mexico), to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Taiwan), to the radio (made in India), he got in his car (made in Germany) and continued his search for a good-paying American job.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for awhile. He put on his sandals (made in Brazil), poured himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turned on his TV (made in Indonesia),
then wondered why he can't find a good-paying job in AMERICA!!!!!
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,"That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "I did! They were in your tackle
Wife: "Why do you go on the balcony when I sing?"
Husband: "I want the neighbors to see I'm not beating my wife."
Lawyer and Charity
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
Standing On The Scale At The Doctor's
Today isn't a good day to weigh me. I have a lot of heavy stuff on my mind
Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent to trial from running it's proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday."
"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after.
"Doc," says Morris, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?", asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and Iwant to have it done", replies Morris.
"But have you thought it through properly?", asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Morris has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand on wheels. Heading towards him is another male patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Morris, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well", said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Morris stared at him in horror. "Damm it! ...THAT'S the word!!!"
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container.
"Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
The Truth ....
The truth can be summed up in 13 words...."Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'
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