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Spring 2000

Corporate Mergers That Might Take Place in 2000

1. XEROX and WURLITZER
(They're going to make reproductive organs)

2. FAIRCHILD ELECTRONICS and HONEYWELL COMPUTERS
(The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild)

3. POLYGRAM RECORDS, WARNER BROTHERS and KEEBLER
(The new company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker)

4. W.R.GRACE CO., FULLER BRUSH CO., MARY KAY COSMETICS, and HALE BUSINESS SYSTEMS
(The company will be called Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace)

5. 3M and GOODYEAR (MMM Good)

6. JOHN DEERE and ABITIBI-PRICE (Deere Abi)

7. HONEYWELL, IMASCO and HOME OIL (Honey, I'm Home)

8. DENISON MINES, ALLIANCE and METAL MINING
(Mine All Mine)

9. 3M, JC PENNEY and THE METROPOLITAN OPERA CO.
(3 Penney Opera)

10. GREY POUPON and DOCKERS PANTS (Poupon Pants)

11. KNOTT'S BERRY FARM and THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN
(The new company will be called Knott Now)

12. ZIPPO MANUF., AUDI, DOFASCO and DAKOTA MINING
(The new company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da

HOW TV COMMERCIALS CAN COMMUNICATE IDEAS ABOUT GOD

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

God is like BAYER ASPIRIN - - He works miracles.
God is like a FORD - - He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE - - He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS - - He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE - - He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC - - He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS - - He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER - - Try him - you'll like Him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE - - You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA - - He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE - - You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 Hair Spray - -He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP - -Aren't you glad you have Him?. Don't you wish everybody did?
God is like the U.S. POST OFFICE - -Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

~

REAL CAREGIVER

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck!"'

~

FOUR LADIES PLAYING BRIDGE

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge.

The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrolable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!

~
THE TEXAN

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishingline, a medium one, and huge one.

I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took himdown to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines.

Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.'"



SPEEDING

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

~

"THUNDERSTORM"

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said, "I have to sleep with Daddy."

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."

~

"FLASH"

A mother noticed that it was about time for school to dismiss and since it looked like it would rain, she drove toward the school to pick up her eight year old daughter.

She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightening bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her mother's van.

Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl looked toward the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened several more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her mother was parked.

Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky?" she asked her daughter.

"I had to, Mommy. God was taking my picture."

~

LOST & FOUND

While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, the elderly woman left her glasses on the table, but she didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around. The elderly man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. He called his wife every bad name he could think of.

When they finally arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the man yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

~

SEWIN THE BUTTON

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My God, what
happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was goin' fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in..."

~

GRANDPA

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented
him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up
his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

~

WAKE UP AND GET TO SCHOOL

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

~

I WANT A DIVORCE

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers,"Well Judge, one story is "I have a headache" and the other story is "It's that time of the month."

~

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

~
POOL ETIQUETTE

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

~

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?"

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did."

"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea?"

~

SOCIAL STUDIES

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks, "Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"

The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about half of them."

~

THE SCUBA DIVER

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

~


First Grade

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.

Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. The teacher suggested they try some biology questions...

'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied.

"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?'
asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

~
LITTLE OLD LADY

A kindly stranger was walking through a park when he noticed an elderly lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. The stranger stopped and asked her what was wrong.

The old woman replied "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."

"Then why are you crying?" the stranger asked.

"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon." the old lady cried.

"So why are you crying?" the stranger asked again.

"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00 am." the old lady cried.

Once again the stranger asked "Why in the world would you be crying?"

The old woman wailed "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

~

LICENSE PLATES

Two women are driving from New York to California. Around Malibu, the passenger spots a vanity license plate, OYGRWUP.

"Hey, look! That tag says, 'Oy, grow up!' "

"Are you kidding?" says the driver. "We're in California, not New York. It says, 'Oh, why grow up?' "

~

A WOMAN'S FANTASY

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning!

~

PEANUTS

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few" he asks.

"No, not at all" the woman replied.

They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.

"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."

"Oh that's all right" the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

~

SATAN AND JESUS

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So, down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent out e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards.They did every known job.

Just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a streak of lightning flashed from the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. The electricity went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed; he ranted and raved-all to no avail. The electricity stayed off.

After a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost everything when the power went off! What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done.

As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print," it was all there. "How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."

POINTS TO PONDER:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If horrific means to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?


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