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Heaven & Bran Muffins
An 85 year old couple, having been married some 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years,mainly due to the wife's interest in health foods and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and ja-cuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St Peter how much all this cost. "It's free," St Peter replied. "This is Heaven".
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing priviledges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter's reply,"This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffett lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much does it cost to eat?" the old man asked. Peter's reply, "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free."
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly. "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven" replied St Peter.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your Freakin bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!!!"
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
** The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
** Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
** The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what
I'm doing, someone else does.
** The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
** Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
** Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
** Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
** Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
** If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
** You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
** I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
** Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it
shrinks two sizes.
** It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your
** Age is important only if you're a cheese.
** The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is
expecting a baby.
** Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
** Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
** Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards??
** Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most
Divine Tech Support
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, my son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
vAn Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"
"He said the reflector is broken."
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..."
THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by DAVE BARRY
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one> individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11. Never lick a steak knife.
12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13. "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. Your friends love you anyway.
Submitted by KEvans7416
A Son's Phone Call
A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.
Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"
Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called.
THE OLD SHEPHERD....
An old bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says.......And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham.com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot.com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot.com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her. And Dot said,"There will be a lot of banging in the land." And Abraham replied,"It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot.com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"Whoopee!", said Abraham.
"No, YAHOO!", said Dot.com.
Bad Day Brewing
Caregiver Signs Of A Bad Day Coming
1. You finish your shower, spray on your deodorant, guess what, its hair spray.
2. You are in a hurry to brush you teeth, guess what, Brilcream taste bad.
3. It's 5:00 AM the alarm clock goes of, you jump up, go into the kitchen for that first cup of coffee, guess what, you got a pot of clear brewed water, where is the coffee, sitting next to the coffee pot.
4. It's been a busy morning; finely you have some potty time for you. Guess what, the T paper roller is empty and the T-papers is still sitting in the shopping bag on the kitchen table.
5. The alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM, you jump up and have that first cup of coffee, guess what, its Sunday.
6. You are in the middle of cleaning a messes bedpan, the phone rings and rings, guess what, they want to clean you carpet for free.
7. You dreamed all day about the T-bone steak in the freezer you're going to have for dinner, guess what, you thawed the potato pancakes.
8. It's you first respite is several weeks, you order a great lunch at the best place in town, guess what, your wallet in on the dresser.
9. It's 1:30 AM, you been beating the bed for 2 hours, finally you drift of to Dreamland. 3:10AM the telephone rings, guess what, its some drunk calling from jail, he's dialed the wrong number.
10. You just stepped into the shower, the door bell rings, you quickly dry off put something on, guess what, some kid is selling candy
Modern Millenium Barbie
Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too--muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"
"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful meadow, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royce's."
"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.
"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic." Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.
Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!"
"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The George Carlin Theory:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating. . .and you finish off as an orgasm."
"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.
"Well," Jason replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," Jason said, "I'll put it in my college fund."
"By the way, what are you studying?" questioned the man. Jason replied, "Applied psychology."
Life Beyond Fifty:
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man.
Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,
he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin;
I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down
by his doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations
and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize
that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means
I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky
means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker
and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent,
and you don't know until the 4th of July.
You're getting old when
you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet:
if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news:
the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Cross The River
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea on how to do it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. "Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. " Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman; she looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.
Only In Texas
A Texas State Trooper pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and
moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
Submitted by PGStclair1
Double Check That Tick
At the annual company Christmas party, the staff decided to play a practical joke on their boss. When he went to the restroom, they went through his coat pockets and found his LOTTO Ticket.
Then, they wrote down his numbers and called the waitress over to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's winning LOTTO numbers. She then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.
The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his ticket from his wallet and compared the numbers. He became silent, put his wallet back in his jacket, sat down again, and checked the numbers very carefully.
Then, he finished his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months, I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all shove-it, cause I've just won a truckload of money, and I'm leaving this lousy job!"
Submitted by PgStclair1
The Newly Married Sailor
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to make passionate love with you!"
She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this was a bus stop."
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© Copyright 1999 by Gail R. Mitchell.