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Author Topic:   Newbie to board-Hello
Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-03-2004 06:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Hello,
I am so glad I found this site. I have no one to talk to about this. No one could possibly understand unless they are in the same situation. So here goes: My father in law moved in almost 2 years ago. I am resentful at times because my marriage seems to be on the back burner. My husband takes VERY good care of him, and so do I for that matter, but it has changed our lives, and I am not happy. I miss my husband all the time. I miss "us". What can I do? Any suggestions would be so very much appreciated. Thanks alot. Susan

IP: 68.219.2.153

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-04-2004 12:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Welcome Hanginginthere...

not an uncommon situation you are in.. how about opening up from the heart and sharing with your hubby the mixed emotions you are having.. perhaps you can get some respite for your fil so that you and hubby can have a night of your own or a few days away..

many will respond.. and working through some of what you are feeling here will help to communicate more of what your needs are about in a healthier fashion...

it isn't easy.. especially when it is the spouses parent.. there are many different dynamics and expecations on everyone's part.. keep posting.. blessings

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-05-2004 01:05 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks so much for your reply. I think that sometimes I feel guilty for the feelings I have so much and don't want to burden my husband, or make him feel bad, because it's his father. We do need to take some time for just the two of us. I will try to get some help over here. Thanks again.
Susan

IP: 68.219.2.153

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-09-2004 04:56 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Susan,

The guilt only builds unless you can release it and get it out of your system.. Sometimes, chatting here at the boards and hearing from others helps.. sometimes it is necessary to speak to the hubby.. and maybe even the fil in a family meeting..

In any case, I do hope you don't beat yourself up for the mixed feelings you are having.. they are part of caregiving and you are not alone... keep us posted... take care

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-09-2004 04:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Susan, if you need assistance researching respite in your area or volunteers that can help you and hubby take some time, please let me know your zip code etc. and I will try to resource this for you...

Gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

Notenoughhours
Member
posted 06-09-2004 05:20 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Notenoughhours     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Susan:

Hang in there. I know, I know, how hard this is. Especially if it is not your own parent. Like Gail said, heart to heart with Hubby, if you can. Or, vent here. I am not sure what the situation is with your parents, if they are living (and I hope they are just fine), but, and please do not take this the wrong way, there may come a time when you will need to care for your parents and will want your husband's help, if you haven't already. There is so much to it, and I understand your missing your husband and your life. Try and look at this as a way to bring the two of you closer. It's a bond that will stay in your hearts long after FIL is gone. God willing, we will all need assistance someday too. That's why we are here - so vent away!!! I am sending you a big hug and a relaxing, fresh smelling candle! i
Sue

IP: 205.188.117.8

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-10-2004 01:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Gail,
Thanks so much for your help in reference to locating respite care, however, my husband wouldn't hear of it. He has to do it all. We do have one of his brother's and his wife that have been helpful, but she is pregnant and is on bedrest, but still, by husband would rather stay home and not have time for US than have someone else other than family come in here for some relief. That's what I am dealing with now...Sue

IP: 68.211.132.204

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-10-2004 01:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Sue,
Venting here may be the only way for me right now...I have had the heart to heart with him, but he says "When you married me, you signed on for my family too"...and I know this, but he lacks a serious component, and that's empathy...he cannot empathize with how I feel and how much of a strain this has been. And I honestly don't think our marriage would survive if my mother had to live with us. (I don't have contact with my father). I sure wish it was bringing us closer, but it isn't..he has to be in control and do EVERYTHING...I get no thank you's at all. And after the other night when his father missed the toilet, after a couple of laxatives earlier in the day..I got no "thanks" or any kind of appreciation of what I am doing. Well, enough of that right now...I am seeing a Psychologist and she has been wonderful.
Sue, Thanks for the big hug and relaxing candle! It really does mean alot to me.
Susan

IP: 68.211.132.204

Notenoughhours
Member
posted 06-11-2004 11:58 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Notenoughhours     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Susan.

I am so sorry to hear that you hubby is being so selfish. He may be very frustrated too. Does he get any thank you's from his father? However, that is no reason not to understand where you are coming from and how hadr thisis on you. True you are married, but this is HIS father you are devoting your life too, and frankly, there is not a lifetime of memories or that special connection to your FIL as there would be to your own parent/mother. Telling you you married his family too so therefore you HAVE to do this will only build resentment. That's what I hear and see in your post. What would he say if you wrote him a note or simply said, I want to feel appreciated for what I am doing, and right now I don't. Or, I am not asking for a metal, just a few kind words sometimes. Ask him if he appreciates kind words? Hugs to you.
Sue

IP: 12.26.69.6

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-12-2004 01:40 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Sue,
You really hit the nail on the head. I don't have the memories he has with his father, so I don't have that same connection he has. I have told him this.
Last night we had a blow out. We did get some things resolved. But one main thing that I am doing for myself is to make sure I get ME taken care of first. I have to, or else I will leave, and that's not what I want to do. He did tell me that he tries to do most of the work around here to aleviate some of the stress from me. That kind of made me feel, like he was saying I couldn't "handle it", and you know what? I can't. At least I can't to a certain extent. So I have to accept that I'm not superwoman and move on. I have decided not to feel guilty anymore for what I don't do, but rather think more positively. It is unfortunate, but my husband just doesn't "get it". Maybe when this is all over, he will have a clearer mind and be able to reflect on all that has happened. Unitl then, I am going to keep this website as my "relief" site. I love it here. It's MY place to be when I have no one physically to talk to.

Thanks alot Sue!! Hugs from ME!

Susan

IP: 68.211.132.204

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-12-2004 01:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Sue, I forgot..the resentment is surely there. I can only pray that one day, after his father dies, that he understood/understands what I went through and quite honestly, apologizes..I don't really think that will happen, however, his father does Thank him and he Thanks me as well. I know his father is very appreciative of how we take care of him. Like I told my husband, "Taking care of your father is easy, it's the family dynamics and the lack of acknowledgement" His father is a sweet and happy man. Thank heaven for that. Susan

IP: 68.211.132.204

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-12-2004 04:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Hangininthere

It is very difficult when there is little communication in a relationship.. all types of dynamics are going on here.. I would be curious as to what your husband is experiencing.. is he vulnerable? Into denial? Is he fearful? Usually I get a sense of it but for some reason I am not. As for empathy and compassion.. these attributes are gifts that we come into our bodies wtih.. some haven't been exposed to this type of caring and feelings so it is difficult to respond in kind... as for the resentment... do what every you need to do to release it so it doesn't eat away at you.. you have the right idea about caring and getting your needs met first...and it is very fortunate for you that your fil is appreciative... keep us posted..
g

IP: 66.108.72.20

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-12-2004 06:16 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Hi G,

You must really have experience in knowing what I am going through. The only thing I can think of as to why he feels it's "my cross to bear" as he puts it, is because he is the oldest of 4. His parents were older and drank. They were very good to thier children, from what I could see, but my husband was the caretaker of his siblings as well as his parents due to the alcohol and his mother's depression. Yesterday he said "I have to look out for everybody"..meaning his siblings and father. I told him that that is his "choice" to do so. They are all grown up. He is so consumed with taking care of his dad, that I am surely on the back burner. Our marriage is on the backburner. He just doesn't see it. Marriage is sure tough enough without adding an 83 year old to live with you. I hope that doesn't sound cold. It's just he truth. Thanks G...Susan

IP: 68.211.132.204

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-12-2004 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
I am still posting Susan.. and since it will be a few days before I can post again.. with these computer problems, I just want to say that you need to look at this objectively.. when there are alchololics involved there is co dependency and dysfunction.. and there is also enabling and protecting.. and if this is out of your realm of thinking, you, yourself might want to check out some AA meetings to find out more about the dynamics so that you will have a better understanding of what is happening and perhaps, you will even learn tools as to how to deal more effectively with your husband...

g

IP: 66.108.72.20

Hangininthere
Member
posted 06-12-2004 07:13 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Hangininthere     Edit/Delete Message
Wow...I am really going to be doing some research G...THANKS alot!! Susan

IP: 68.211.132.204

Notenoughhours
Member
posted 06-15-2004 04:36 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Notenoughhours     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Susan.

I hear ya. I am glad you are moving away from the guilt. That's a good start. I am glad your FIL is appreciative too. That helps. Not sure how your FIL and MIL's relationship was, but I am sensing from your husband's outlook, this is your duty so to speak. I think he believes that and cannot understand why one would not be able to deal with that day in and day out. BUT, when you said he tried to do alot to alliviate you, that told me he definitely knows what it's like for you. Sometimes we have to be brutally honest and just say, like a job you obtain somewhere that "just isn't for you." However, you can do it part time, ya know? Or simply have your time away so you can focus on your marriage and keep things strong.
Hugs,
Sue

IP: 64.12.117.8

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-16-2004 07:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Susan,

Sue has made a good point as well.. but still the underlying causations are probably as you suggested centered around drinking so there has to be more to uncover which I know you will do.. when you are supported by people who understand, it makes it somewhat easier.. keep us posted.. and it was great seeing you in the chat.. take care

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

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