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yelobus1
Member
posted 05-31-2003 08:10 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
NO PROBLEM!!!!! I am sad now over this. Ifeel like something s not right wth him nd I do not know where to turn. Supposedly, attorneys for the TBI vctims are supposed to be more involved and aware but that does not seem to be the case here Although I think he is good I feel short-changed. I have to wait until June 19th to go to a Support group at the Rehab Hospital and that seems so far away. I do feel frustrated and angry over the lack of "help" or whatever. I know Gordon knows he is no right yet because even in his stubborness when he says he is healing himself, he always ends it with a "?" if you know what I mean. He does look to me for that reassurance. I do REASSURE him but I am honest with him that I know he is not right yet. He knowshe has thes "obsessions."
Agan, NO PROBLEM! The only time I feel uncomfortable is when someone makes a judgement without knowing al the facts! And elieve me, there is much here! But I have felt like this was meant to be, even in my darkest moments despite the obstacles!
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-07-2003 04:41 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
I posted somthing the other day and it is not here?? Oh well, I remember what I wrote, I think. I have put this idea out there for Gordon to "ponder"......A man threw him down on his head for no apparent reason, another man made him sit and forced a false confession out of him without seeking medical care (this went on for 2 hours). This situation is unbelievable because one of the first things the brain surgeon said was that if he would have seen him sooner, he would not have had brain damage! Anyway, these 2 things happened almost one year ago.....He has never expressed any anger over either of these men. In fact, he has forgiven them! Yet he finds fault or is angry almost every time I am with him. I believe he needs to express anger over the situation that caused all this to begin with, then forgive and forget. Of course, something came out just recently about me. He said that I hang in there with him even though he is mean to me. He said I am there for him, through everything. But he has really been lashing out lately and I try to figure what it is that sets it off or try to undrstand what he is really saying.

IP: 205.188.209.103

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-08-2003 09:50 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

I can only imagine how frustrating all of this might be for you... and for Gordon as well who may not really be expressing all that he is feeling.. have you considered getting some counseling to guide you and perhaps Gordon? Perhaps with some professional assistance and guidance, you both could work through some of this with more ease...You could even have a social worker, nurse, doctor or clergyman come in to help...

take care
gail

IP: 66.108.77.75

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-08-2003 06:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
I checkedfor those postings on both pages and the one is gone. It posted the day I wrote it but the nex time I looked it was gone.
Something came to me today fter reading a very short article in the Parade agazine in the Sunday paper. There was a young man who was on one of the shows...American Idol o a cholor show or something to that effect. Anyway, he apparently suffered from some sort of anxiety disorder tat ould cause to have trouble ith relationships. This is what I gather anyway. But when read it, it sounded like Gordon. That maybe not dealing with the ang over the injury with the appropriate partis he has developed an anxiety disorder. I think of everything that he has said to me ad they are all "fears"....such losing his son me not to talk to anybody about him, our relationship, and the general way he seem to be living his life now, shut off from the world. I am interested in seeking professional help but I must first present this to him. He is receptive to things of this nature and if he thinks it sounds like him he will be receptive to getting help. I do believe that this has gotten beyond us and he has definitely developed paranoia, anxity over everything. Of course, some situations have aggavated this such as STILL waiting for the settlement on his Victim's Fund award. That is almost 3 months that he was awarded this with no money being received as of yet! You and I would be frustrated and anxious over that!!Am I doing thisalright? Should I be doing something different now tat this is long?

IP: 152.163.253.33

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-08-2003 07:51 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Sharon,
I do realize you are up against a lot you don't have control over but I still encourage yhou to get some professional counseling even if Gordon doesn't want to. You need it to support you in staying empowered...

keep us posted...bless you for all you are doing.. however, I really believe you should get your needs met and get the help...

Gail

IP: 66.108.77.75

halliday
Member
posted 06-15-2003 07:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for halliday     Edit/Delete Message
Hello again. I am sorry, my previous post, was posted here by accident (and it is a bit long winded at that). What I did want to ask regarding Gordan, was did the doctors' say it will get better in time and with therapy?

IP: 65.95.34.213

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-17-2003 07:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Halliday-
the doctors do not know what is going on. They had discharged him. They said he was doing well last summer, like he was cured or something. Gordon made it sound like he was back to normal.....I have figured it to "anxiety" which was directly caused by the incident that nobody ever talked to him about!!!
Thanks for your reply. SHARON

IP: 64.12.96.235

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-21-2003 05:42 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Gail-
I finaly did what I should have done awhile ago. But I let Gordon fool me. I truly thought he was better. I went to a Support Group. In the short time that I was there, I learned more and felt more understood than I have in months. The president of the group told me some of his persoanl story and it sounds so much like Gordon. Of course, they want Gordon there but that is amonth away and I do not think that a month longer can go on. He needs help now! But now, I have an additional challenge of not being able to talk to him. He just cuts me out right away. He is so nagry with me over EVERYTHING!!! But he did seem to respond positively to the fact that I went to the group. I have the name of a doctor that I am calling on Monday. Maybe this doctor will see me and can shed some light on what I can do. I cannot let him go as he is. I believe there is something going on that will only get worse if it is not addressed. I will keep you posted. Thanks for your Prayers. Just pray I can find some way to REACH him. SHARON

IP: 64.12.96.235

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-21-2003 08:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

This is wonderful news.. one that you were able to get out and get support from others who could relate and understand what you are going through, which is most important and to get information and to learn of possibilities with Gorden so that you could assist him in taking different steps towards wellness. Please keep us posted.. and am keeping you in our thoughts and prayers so that you get an appointment with this doctor.

Blessings
Gail

IP: 66.108.77.75

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-21-2003 08:46 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Hello-
This sure is a long weekend. But I have faith that there is good timing and things will work out for the best! THANK YOU!!!Just pray for me to remain strong until I can get to someone for answers. I do not care what it takes. I have thought of ways to get him to the doctor. Hopefully the doctor can giv me some less diabolical ideas!THANKS, GAIL!!!! Sharon

IP: 152.163.253.33

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-23-2003 07:08 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
It's Monday. I made the call to the doctor and, of course, there was no return call! It just adds to my already frustrated situation and then it makes me mad. This is why I have not turned to one before this. I left a portion of the storuy on the recording but got NO RETURN call! Sometimes, it just feels hopeless!

IP: 205.188.209.103

yelobus1
Member
posted 06-24-2003 06:43 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Just to let you know....The new doctor did call and I have an appointment next Tuesday. So I feel a little better but I am a bit anxious also. It worries me when I do not hear from his son. And his son has TOO MUCH freedom for 17 year old! I usually hear from him everyday and he is on his own with some normal teenage problems. He needs an ear to listen to him since Gordon is not doing this presently.

IP: 205.188.209.103

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 06-29-2003 05:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

It seems like everything is happening all at once for you as it does for many of us. I hope that you might continue with the support group, more for yourself at this point than Gordon... Let us know how you make out with the doctor...

keep us posted.

G

IP: 66.108.77.75

yelobus1
Member
posted 07-06-2003 09:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
I read a book of daily thoughts by Norman Vincent Peale. These thoughts are very oowerful and have helped me in my darkest moments. Sometimes they seem to be all that I can find because, at times, I feel so alone in this situation. But there is always hope, I know, despite my momentary lack of faith.
Your last response to me thru "I am New" left me a bit puzzled and wondering. I wonder what is observed. Sometimes observations can be deceiving. Of course, a total observation would have to be looking at an ENTIRE SITUATION. While I know yu do not know Gordon's side of things, I will tell you that I do attempt to withdraw myself and look at this situation realistically. I also try to look at it through his eyes. But what is realistic presently? When observing, does that include having and using the knowledge that there is brain injury here? If I were observing with out any knowledge of anything that has going on, I would proabably thnk this was not a good thing for Sharon. But, through years of experience and research, I would have to KNOW more because judgement cannot be made from a casual observation. Just some confusion on my part.....
This is one reason I took to this web site....I coud express what I was feeling about this situation knowing that others would have the added knowledge of knowing that something is not right with the other party. I have looked for other avenues to help alleviate the stress that I feel regarding this. I joined a gym, have been reading a lot more, listen to music, among other things. I have been spending a lot more time with my children since my usual work, of course, does not require me to work through out the summer. Of course, my children do not need the attention as much as they used to and do not always want it either. But I do maintain my presence and work on communication with them. I do realize that this "stress" can interfere with our reLTIONSHIPS so I do work hard in keeping things open and honest. I have always been that way. And they are a priority to me as much as, at times, it seems that I have others. This situation had to be priority at times because of the nature of it. That is why I turn to this web site, though, to, at least, then talk about my frustrations.
If I seem to be oblious of other peoples' situations, that is not the case. Actually, I have found that helping someone else can end up helping you. And maybe "helping" to me means sometimes, relaying my story. But I truly mean that I pray for others because that is one of my better qualities....to look for ways to help others (sometimes i am better at that then doing it for myself)
I did go to the doctor as I had said. For a rather large sum of money, he did not tell me anything any different than I already knew. Maybe there were few new wways to look at thngs. Ultimately, he told me that Gordon could continue down hill and continue to alienate others and himself. He needs help but I cannot force him. But I already knew this so what do I do now? The President of the Support Group (I do have full intention of going back there but that is only once a month) told me how his wife never stopped and gently reminded him of things that could be changed and how. He pushed her away regularly until one day he just decided to give in for some reason or another. I cannot justify going to this doctor regularly because of the cost.
Gordon's son has gone to visit family out West for 2 weeks. I thought this may be a good time to try an d regain some communication with Gordon. Archie wants this but, most of all, want s his Dad back as he was before this incident. And maybe I, somewhat unrealistically, believe strongly in the power of love and in God's miracles. Just a brief story and I will end this.....Not too long ago, I was feeling like there was no way to keep going with this. I was ready to give up. I went into another room in my home and was clearing up some papers,etc. I came upon a book that I thought had been put away, out of sight. The title "A Promise is a Promise." I had made a proomise to Gordon ( he was not totally conscious) when he was in the hospital that I would not leave his side no matter what. At the time, we were not sure he would regain the use of his right side. I know things change but my feelings have not!
THANKS FOR YOUR INPUT, GAIL!
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 07-10-2003 08:53 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
{{{{Sharon}}}}}}} I am just concerned that your needs are met and that you are supported.. This is what this site is about...caring for ourselves first so that we can be strong to move through the challenges we are facing... and when it is important to get group or individual assistance to keep things in the proper perspective, I will always be the first to admit it for myself as well as for others.

Blessings...take care..
Gail

IP: 66.108.72.82

yelobus1
Member
posted 07-17-2003 07:45 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
I feel like I lost 10 pounds!!!! And it is 10 ounds of knots, tension and general anxiety. I went to my second support group meeting. At first, I sat there and thought what am I doing here. This is not for me. Then suddenly something happened to make the "floodgates" open. WHAT A TERRIFIC THING!!!!!! I no longer feel like this is hopeless. One of the wive's of a brain-injured victim hugged me at the end. Her husband was injured by a drunk driver 14 years ago. I sat and talked to a woman who has been dealing with her "problem" for 24 years! She was hit by a car at the age of 19. I feelm such relief!!!!!! I will go to the next one...and the next one....and the next one!!!!! Is there one tomorrow night? Please tell all your "posters" and others that you deal with, GET TO A SUPPORT GROUP. Usually it's free.....and probably the best place for the victim and the family or friends. Also encourage those that THINK their loved one IS CURED!!!!!! No matter what, go to a SUPPORT GROUP!!!!!! It is wonderful therapy. I feel hope....I feel relief, I feel renewed in my quest to get him help....I feel peace!!!!! etc.etc.etc.!!!!
It has been suggested that the Atttorney tlk to him and that he should work on getting him to a Support Group. It's funny how this works....I just sent Gordon's Attorney a 2 page letter giving him the latest developments!!!! I know I have angels out there....and that God is listening ....and helping....and I am hearing!!!!!!

IP: 152.163.253.33

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 07-18-2003 08:14 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
All I Can say Sharon is that this is absolutely terrific and what I was sensing you needed and hoped you would do.. Sometimes we just need to surrender and let go... and listen as we are guided.. I think the issues you are faced with will be viewed with a different perspective and with a calm and a knowingness, vs panic and struggle... and perhaps Gordon will begin to respond in kind now that you have begun to shift your own energies. I am sure he was picking up on your own fears etc which didnt' make it any easier on him... it works both ways...

keep us posted...take care and blessings
gail

IP: 66.108.72.82

yelobus1
Member
posted 07-27-2003 08:21 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
The difficult pasrt now is waiting for the next meeting which is 3 weeks away and continue to watch or listen to what is happening to him. He apparently does not want me helping his son with rides, etc. but his son does not drive yet and sometimes needs me to help him. He has thrown some more things away that I had left there or given him. All of this is very difficult to take. The "things" are just things but it hurts. Although I feel that he trying to forget about me whatever way he can for whatever reason and may not be succeeding.
I just keep praying for an answer.

IP: 205.188.209.103

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 07-28-2003 04:43 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

I feel like you may not have told us everything. Are you still going to the group and getting the help you need for yourself?

g

IP: 66.108.72.82

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-04-2003 08:28 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
What volume would you like me to start with? Yes, I have not told a whole story but what should I tell that I have not told. why he throws my stuff away? Why he has gotten so mean with me?
Yes, I am still going to the support Group but it meets once a month and that's that. what happens in the mean time when you are hurting....I guess I must fend for myself!

IP: 152.163.253.33

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 08-05-2003 06:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

See if you can find a therapist to work with you on a weekly basis that you feel comfortable with.. they can assist you in gathering tools to help you move through this and on with you life Sharon... don't deny yourself this.

Gail

IP: 66.108.72.82

Notenoughhours
Member
posted 08-05-2003 11:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Notenoughhours     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Sharon:

I can completely understand Gordon's behavior changes. My father's stroke caused a complete behavior change, since a stroke is also a brain injury. Has Gordon tried a rehabilitation center with day classes? A Neurologist can assist in assessing Gordon and then recommending the best course of action for him. Gordon is probably very frustrated too because he knows inside of him that his behavior is not "his own" but he cannot change it. Please keep me posted on his recovery and in the meantime, fine time for yourself to relax and enjoy life, you are coping with so much.

IP: 12.26.69.6

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-16-2003 07:55 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Thanks for the input and advice. Some advice is difficult to begin when money becomes an issue. I have 3 kids plus I am somewhat supporting his son so the question is where does all the money come from? Help would need to look at income and that is not necessarily the problem. It's all the expenses that are occurring. Already I am finding it difficult to think about a promised vacation for my kids, especially with school beginning.
Oh well, things will work out if they are meant to do so. I keep believing and praying.

IP: 152.163.253.33

Marianna
Member
posted 08-19-2003 06:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marianna     Edit/Delete Message
I had similar problems with my son, he had his head injury 3 years ago. I can never understand what you are going through, but I know it's extremely hard and challenging to have a family member with TBI! My son was similar to Gordon...LOTS of Love and patience is needed to put up with all the personality changes!

I am doing my postgraduate studies in disability, and I do the clinical perspective this semester. It includes TBI as well - I researched this through really well so that I know more about my son's condition. I researched TBI in last 3 years on all possible levels, so I believe that Gordon's behavioural problems and personality changes ARE too DUE TO THE INJURY! Even small injuries can have these effects on people. The good news is that these problems might go away in 2-5 years.

My son's behaviour was VERY challenging all these 3 years, he attacked my two daughters on several ocassions and even his friends could not stay near him. He always criticised everybody and looked for trouble. He was a much loved and very popular boy at school before his injury, he made friends easily - and suddenly he became grumpy and difficult,uncooperative.It was really bad for my daughters, I had to move them out of the house to save their sanity and to help my son too. Kids find really hard to tolerate this unpredictable, challenging behaviour, and these experiences can leave permanent emotional damages on them.
My son developed Major depression as well, so our GP put him on Aropax (the Australian version of Prozac). It helped his mood, bUT as the side effects of these drugs are bad enough, my son became even more aggressive and irritable and could not sleep either. All this because of this awful antidepressant. I will never ever let any of my family members take antidepressants, there are enough good naturopaths to help the natural way.
Anyway, 2 years after being on this drug, I realised that the major aggression problems were actually due to the drug's side effect. I started getting my son off the medication VERY GRADUALLY and I went to see a very well known Chinese Herbalist in Melbourne. One of my friends has Bipolar disorder, she was on heavy drugs, and she said this herbalist managed to get her off all the antipsychotic drugs and she is a happy, healthy person today...this herbalist is well known for treating de3pression very successfully.

I had to wait 2 months before we could get appointment, it was 4 weeks ago...the herbalist examined my son and she told me that he had some problems with digestive system, so the nutrition does not really get absorbed properly and that is one of his problems - the brain's health depends on proper diet! My son is a fintness fanatic (he excercises regularly) and eats healthy food only - but he has to have the digestive system OK too.
Next, the lady told us that after EVERY ACCIDENT OR SURGERY the body's hormonal balance gets all mixed up too. She said it looks like a snow ball when you shake it up: all the stress hormones get activated and they get pumped into the brain and everywhere else in the body. Some of these hormones are like poisons. After the accident is over, all the hormons settle back, but some return to right places some do not...those which fall into wrong places cause problems - like behavioural problems, memory problems, health problems ect ect , she said that people even 40 years after a surgery or accident need body debreiefing in order to function properly again and be healthy. She gave my son a 3 weeks course of special Chinese herbs to be taken 3 times daily. These herbs suppose to take his body back to the accident and debrief it...then he got herbs for 3 weeks which will work on his impaired memory (we complined that he had memory difficulties) and still continue debriefing the body. The first 2 days were awful, my son was very dizzy and really down. We rang the herbalist and sh said it was a normal reaction to detoxification and rush of Oxygen into the blood stream. Yes, his dizziness stopped, but he was rEALLY bad for about 3 weeks - very tired all the time and absolutely difficult! he was angry always, in bad mood and irritable even more than before. I knew that the herbs were working, and he had to be very bad before he would be able to get better...I just tolerated his angry outbursts and said nothing to him. I never argue with him when he is all worked up and angry. I know it's not him and no arguments can help. It was a VERY hard 3 weeks again.This is 2nd week since he is on memory herbs, and in last 3-4 days he has changed dramatically. I cannot believe it! He sais he feels himself for the first time in last 3 years! He is calm and really happy, his study capacity is much better - I do not dare to be happy just yet, but I am sure relieved a bit. I am taking him back to the herbalist in 2 weeks. she said he might be perfectly fine by then. I think it's too good to be true...but I was like Gordon all these years - resented medications and looked for natural therapies. the only medication he had were the antidepressants, but they caused more problems than good...I genuinely hope that we finally found the right herbalist to get his brain function properly again...we visited other herbalists as well, they all helped in one way or another, I am sure the Wester madicine would do nothing good for him.

I took him back to the neurosurger in the rehabilitation center 2 months ago - she said my son's recovery was remarkable, she could not believe her eyes and ears...we achieved all this step by step and with help of Alternative medicine. I must tell you this: I never visited a naturopath just randomly, but by recommendation! They are not all good! I believe that Gordon would also benefit a lot from a well recognised Chinese Herbalist's help! This body debriefing was the best thing this far - the results are unbelievable! I hope I could help you bit and give you direction. My experience is that it is not good sitting and waiting for time to heal - we have to be active and do things to promote healing. I am metally and physically exhausted too, it was really hard for me to cope with all the problems . I just wish our family can be together again in the same room without frustration and distress - like before my son's accident. I can really well relate to your frustration and distress...but there IS hope and a way out, there definitely is. The answer is not "sit and wait", I hope Gordon will realise that and will make steps to help himself and to help you as well.

God bless you both,
Marianna

IP: 210.50.10.189

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 08-22-2003 08:01 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Marianna,

so good to see you back once again and so wonderful to hear of the good news... thank you so much for sharing about your son's progress..

Sharon, reach out into your religious affiliation, look into volunteer programs in your area such as Faith in Action, look for meals on wheels and other programs that can assist you.. it's difficult but you will find help.. have faith.. focus on the needs and getting your needs met... and surrender knowing that it will all come to you...

You are going through an emotional roller coaster and you must focus on you and the children as well.. reach out.. I encourage you to get the emotional support and guidance you are needing from a professional therapist. It will empower you to move through this.. Many will help you if they know the circumstances at hand. You won't know until you reach out more.

Please keep us posted..

Gail

IP: 68.122.104.137

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-22-2003 09:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Gail-
Thank you once again for your input. I actually am quite active in the volunteer "business." I teach sunday School and Youth Club. I am berginning to reach out to people. However, "regular" people do not understand what this is like. They think that I am just asking for trouble, that this is wrong for me. SOmetimes I question myself too but "soemthing" keeps me hanging there. Prayer definetely helps
Of course, I also work, somewhat part-time. But this summer has been an interesting aspect of my job....training others to do what I do and that is drive a schol bus. I do have a passion for this "crazy" job and love to share it with others. Snd I have been given some very positive input there. It has been affirming to me ( that is the positive side becuase it does not get me more money, etc. but money is not everything)If I could have anything right now, it would not be material possessions. It would be Gordon's recovery!
Thanks, Gail. I will keep the faith no matter what!!!
GOD BLESS YOU....for all you do for others!
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-22-2003 09:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Marianna-
THANK YOU....THANK YOU.....THANK YOU!!! yOU HAve given me a ray of hope. And just that little ray has given me new strength. I am going to seek an "herbalist" here in the US. I am not sure where to begin but I WILL find an answer.
I have not really seen Gordon most of the summer. And any chancce meeting, he just becomes highly aggitated. When this firt came about, he told me that he was not running away. He also told me he appreciated me because I was always there for him. But he DID run away....he is with another woman, one who does not speak English and he apparently is no happier. I feel he is going to great lengths to make sure that I am out of his life because he threw A number of things away of mine. But he somehow manages to keep me there a bit because I usually end up picking up his son from work. I have to feed the kid and do other things for him. Otherwise, Archie, his son would be totally alone and not cared for. It is very difficult to know what to do. There are a lot of mixed messages. I feel like I am in "no-man's land." I do not know what to do about any of this. But I find myself still loving himeven though it hurts like h---. And I get so frustrated trying to find help.
I am sure your frustration must be very difficult, knowing that your daughters had to leave the house. It must be difficult for you at times with anger and resntment tye of feelings. I can relate....because I was there for Gordon thrugh everything. And now he cannot even hold an intellegetn conversation with me, at all!!! I try not to question myself but it is difficult soetimes especailly hearing those negative comments all the time. Am I really a not so good person? Or is he a jerk and never was anything any different? So that makes me a jerk for faling inlove with him. And at my ripe "older" age, I never thought that this would be possible again. I hang onto those feelings as my hope. And I think of him as a butterfly that I had to let go and wait for his return. So then I will know the answer to can love conquer all?
I am praying for you and your family. May blessings continue for you all! God bless you for sharing your thougts with me.
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

Marianna
Member
posted 08-23-2003 02:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marianna     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Sharon,

Thank you so much for your prayers, I have you in my prayers as well...you know, all these years of hell only prayer pulled me through so that I did not get insane. God is really watching over us all - including you.

Oh Dear, I did not know that Gordon run away
with an other woman! I am so desperately sorry to hear this...and what a woudnerful heart you have still looking after his innocent son! Poor children, they learn to be rejected this early in life!

I see, you feel confused now about the real face of Gordon - maybe you did not have time to get to know his real personality before the accident, or maybe the brain damage is that causes him to be like this...both might be true. I can tell you this - NOBODY can understand us unless had the same experience in the family. This brain damage is really something different from everything else. This brain damage changed my son into a total stranger, somebody who I did not know before. He became an other person! He was very loving, caring, gentle boy, who would never offend anybody, and who loved his siters over everybody else (they are still grieving over the lost brother). We got back a short fused, aggressive stranger who could not love any more - who always looked for a reason to criticise and blame...my daughter had no peace in the lounge, if she watched TV he sat in the chair and started annoying her "you watch too mych TV" (she watched only few programs not more than 1 hour a day)
"why you watch this rubbish? Turn the chanel!" " I hate you, go away!" Sounds familiar???? He could not show any positive emotions...this is mostly due to the damage to the frontal lobe. I talked to several people who had family members with head injury - they all experienced what you and I experience...
Even my son's neuropsychologist's sister ha brain damaged in an accident- I remember her telling me this when we left the rehab center "the next few years will be rEALLY CHALLENGING...". She said it took her sister 5 years to get back to normal, and they all had to go through family counselling in order to cope...I am having counselling too. Everybody who looks after a brain damaged person MUST HAVE a form of personal counselling - there is no other way if you want to stay sane and mentally healthy and strong. These TBI survivors take a lot of energy from us. A LOOOOT! Mental and physical! There is nothing wrong with you, you are just exhausted and need to refill your resources! I know the feeling myself - somethimes I felt like I was going to collapse.
The difficulty is that we see our loved ones the way they were before the damage and we resent the new person we got back - it's almost impossible NOT to see your dear Gordon but the injured Gordon! It's hard to take everything from him and think "this is just temporary"...we want the person who has the same body and look like our dear one before the accident. Not easy to deal with this without professional help - in fact it's impossible dear Sharon! PLEASE, look after yourself now - so that you can look after whoever God asks you to look after in the future. A counsellor can help you work out why do you still want Gordon - somethimes it's just our past history that hunts us through other people. Like if you had rejecting, not loving parents, you will attract people who will reject your love and you will cling to those people - just because thatrejection feels "familiar"...if we were never really loved, we do not feel comfortable around people who love us - we do not know what to do with that love. We want that "familiar" thing...a counsellor can help work through all your issues which sure get triggered by Gordon's behaviour. I try to explain you why you need to consult a therapist. You will be stronger and more conscious of your reactions, and less doubtful of your sanity!

I am positive that the chinese herbalist was right - my son's body needed to get released from the impact of the accident. He would never get healed without this debriefing...he has changed so much on all levels since he is on the herbs that I can just say - this herbalist was God sent. I will let you know the final outcome, but I am excited. he spent on the uni 10 hours in last 4 days and was not even too tired when he got home(he travels 1 hour to Melbourne and 1 hour back, so travel adds to the fatique). He arrived home in excellent mood! Only 2 weeks ago he could not possibly do this! And his mind works so much better! he told me yesterday how he realised that it's no good to be angry - it just pulls him down...he is definitely experiencing dramatical changes EVERY day.

Every case if unique, of course. I do not know what's God's plan for you and for Gordon. I do not even know why we had to go through this hell...but I believe there is a good reason for everything, and I believe that God wants us to do something about our difficulties. Mother Theresa said:" My will and God's Grace is needed ...". We have to act so that God could give His Grace for success!It means you have to act on your own behalf as well! It's hard when you feel down, but you must start doing it! Watch your diet, have counselling, start daily walks (excercise is excellent stress relief). never miss a 10-15 minute meditation (like sharing with God all your doubts and fears and asking Him to resolve them). It's no wise asking "why me"? because the answer might not be clear for a while...I just believe that there is a reason for everything and God knows what we need to go through now in order to get somewhere tomorrow...I would never ever think that i would be involved with disabled people before my son had his accident. I have discovered a new world through disabled people and I have a job which totally fulfills me and makes me 100% happy! I will do a lot for Disabled in the future, I already do a big difference for those who I work with! You will also find out later on why was all this struggle needed for your growth and your personal direction! It will change you as a person, it will probably heal you too - because it will push you to seek professional help, and that might free you from the "demons" of your past...who knows???Just do not give up! It would be good if you could just let God work in your life - " Lord, I am handing in to you my relationship with Gordon, it's too much for me to carry the burden...you do according to your Will and wisdom". This is VERY hard and require a strong faith in the Lord, but it's extremely freeing...God will take over, but you need to trust Him that whatever will happen, will not necessarily be what YOU want to happen, but what God knows is best for YOU both - He will do exactly the same thing you would choose to do if you would know your future...can you TRUST HIm this much? It's definitely worth and takes the stress off you.

My prayers are with you every day now. I am happy to chat with you because we can well understand each other's struggle...and I have gone through the worse by now, I have a lot to share. I will support every TBI carer that's for sure - I KNOW what it means to love a TBI survivor. One thing is sure - All the fight is worth it, these days will go, ones all the blood cloths in the brain resolve, everything will settle down. the major problem is that we do not know what it feels like for the person who got TBI...I read yesterday a book, written by TBI survivors - God, I had no ide what they go through...they suffer a lot, but they do not tell us! I cried a lot yesterday when I read those reports...we are so lucky to have intact brains!

Love and prayers
Marianna

IP: 203.134.138.22

Marianna
Member
posted 08-23-2003 02:41 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marianna     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Gail,
Thank you for your warm welcoming words! I had some very challending days behind, I could not write at all, I did not know what was happening around me...now I feel I can be positive again and share, so I came back with the good news - in case it will help somebody else too!
Thank you for all your support Gail, thank you for this lovely site! It's sure wounderful!

God Bless
Marianna

IP: 203.134.138.22

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 08-24-2003 08:07 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hi Marianna,

Yes, I read your post to Sharon, and it seems that things are moving along beautifully on your end. It is good that you have been so diligent and persistant in seeking out alternative means in this particular situation with your son... we all need to find the balances in what works and what doesn't...

take care...

gail

IP: 66.108.78.102

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 08-24-2003 08:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

I too, am sorry to hear that Gordon is with another woman. I had a sense he might be from the way you were writing but this is the first that you have shared it.

Marianna has also supported you to seek out individual counseling for yourself. I know at some point in another post in another area, you said finances were tight, but this is truly something you must do for yourself so that you can move through all of this and remain strong and confident in your own energy.

I had suggested that you seek out a volunteer to help you... you will see the post in the other area...

I pray you will get the help you are needing... take care

Gail

IP: 66.108.78.102

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 08-24-2003 09:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

It is fantastic that you are doing the volunteering that you mentioned, but I was suggesting that you reach out for volunteers to come into assist you.. and to see if you could get some counseling on a sliding scale etc. due to your current situation.

Gail

IP: 66.108.78.102

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-31-2003 01:06 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Marianna-
Thank you for encouraging words. I am so happy for you. The improvements for your son are truly a God-send. It's too bad that there has to be all that suffering but it does make us stronger and certainly wiser. And I know they say that He never gives us more than we can handle but sometimes I say "hey, I think you have the wrong person!" I guess He knows me better that I know myself.
I appreciate your thoughts on counselling. I am looking for somebody but it is not easy because I feel this person should understand what a brain injury can do to a person. As for me falling in love with somebody who is "difficult", well he was not this way before. He was a patient, quiet, kind man who would not treat someone this way. I believe we had a special bond, one that I have not experienced in a long time. I do not ever remember faaling for someone the way I fell for him. I have a friend who is a counselor and I have talked to her. I have been in her groups in the past. She is a remarkable woman. But she said that she could tell that I am stronger, wiser, not obsessive over this. She does not want me "enabling" him. I did tell her that I know that I cannot hang on to this forever. I pray often about all this and do "listen" for God's special messages. As much as sometimes I think it is best to let go, I think God has another plan for me. I have told God that I have handed this over to him and asked Him to help me see the answer. I have told God that I am not good at handing it over but have asked for strength to do so.
So....now there is a new development....As I have told you, I am a School Bus Driver. While this may sound somewhat trivial, I have taken this job and made my impact on it to help change the image of all of us. I do have apassion for all aspects of it. I look at myself and make sure that I present myself as a PRofessional. I talk to the kids maturely and I address them positively. I have become a licensed trainer through our state. So, preparing for school has become a big task this year. I have been helping out in the office, helping at another terminal and made myself a distraction of sorts. After my request for help from the Lord, something happened today that is.....maybe an answer to at least resume some contact.
First of all, let me tell you I am sad about his involvement with this woman but I believe it is an escape. He seems to have pushed everyone who loves him in a corner somewhere . So because I feel like I am in the same placve as certain other people, mainly his son, his sister and brother, I do feel hope that he is "running" away. He has "cooled" thngs with her. She is very dependent, does not work, has a child,does not drive, etc. She does not even speak English so there is not a lot of communicating from what I am hearing. (Gordon does speak Spanish somewhat but....) When he was with me, we ALL did things together. we would ALL go out for dinner togther. We All went places together. Sometimes it could be stressful but we could always look back on it as pleasant. My kids adore Archie and do like Gordon. Gordon does NOT do any of the above now with this new woman. He would never think of leaving his son home without first, at least, asking him if he wanted to go with us. He always made sure Archie had food. There aere times now that there is NO food in the appartment. Often he would spend time eating with Archie. There was a time before his injury that the 3 of us would go out to eat together (it became a regular thing every week on a cetain day!) Sometimes when we could not be together alone, he wuld always give me a little "soemthing", whether it would be a tickle on the hand, a "love-poke" and always gave me a loook that is difficult to forget. We often had a special way of loking at each other....our eyes wuld communicate our feelings.
Anyway, as a trainer, sometimes this time of year for sure, we have to go out and teach drivers routes. And we as trainers, help out with this function. Well, guess what....Gordon has 2 additional students and I have to show him the bus stops! Our dispatcher is aware of EVERYTHING(including the relationship, the injury, etc.) and has told me he MUST go out! She is aware of the fact that he needs help with directions, etc. So now he must get over his thing with me and deal with this. We only have today and tomorrow. I am planning on NOT discussing anything with him during this other that what is Business. So pray for me so that this can happen. Actually it really must because it could jeopardize jobs! (As you can tell, he is able to do his job. He drives school children as well as drive a truck.) He is OBSESSIVE about his driving! One of the good OBSESSIONS. I am not sure if I ever said he was obsessive. We used to talk about it and I could help him not be so. We wuld try to find the reasons behind some of our arguements (one time there was a nasty one about a cell phone that went on and on and when I finally realized what it was about, it WAS OVER! He has obsessions oabout pasying his bills and he was getting a "credit" statement but it was a bill to him and he would not see things any other way until this was resolved. When I figured out why he was so angry over it and told him what I figured out, he stopped!!!)
I know some of what has transpired between us is about obsessions. Most of his problems now are over obsessions. He did tend to be obsessive before but this one one area that is magnified!!! When I mentioned that thee were certain aspects of his personality that sem to be amgnified, they told me in group that this was a very good way to look at certain things. He is a very strong-minded individual, bordering on stubborness. But I admire strong-mindedness. I thought he and I developed an intimacy that I have rarely found in others. He knew more about me others that have known me longer. His life has been rather difficult some of which he asked for but some just very unfortunate situations (His wife died of cancer after 3 years of struggling with it) So that makes the obvious one of being a single parent which I think is more difficult for a man. His family lives far away from us but they love him. His brother was ready to take him to his house after the incident. But Gordon perservered. I think he does not want to admit he cannot get better totally on his own. He has taken to fitness and he WAS eating very well. He would go on and on about the food I made for him. He loved my cooking! He said that was partially repsonsible for healing him. (That food-absorbtion thought is very interesting!) He does not drink or eat any canddy. But he does drink coffee more that he ever did. (I was told by someone in group that this is not good because it acts more like adrug to him than anything. It would be like he is on "speed." And I have seen him rspond just so. He is like adifferent man when he drinks caffeine!)
Anyway, there is some more things about Gordon. Thank you again for your input. Your son's symptoms are very much like what I have seen in Gordon. So it is very good to be able to "talk" to you. I hope that it can go on....!!!! THANK YOU!!! Friends do not understand.
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

yelobus1
Member
posted 08-31-2003 06:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
P.S. It happened...we did gettogether. He was very good. we had a pleasant ride but NOTHING was said. I believe it is a minor ray of hope because he has not been able to be with me at all without getting mad. We even had to discuss things and somewhat disagreed but he was quite calm. I kept to my promise....even though it was tough but I was very cool and calm as weel as him. I asked God for the strength to handlwe this encounter. Of course, now I will see hm more often because of driving.
Just wanted to let you know....it's a start!
SHARON

IP: 205.188.209.103

Marianna
Member
posted 09-01-2003 04:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marianna     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Sharon,
It seems you had a really special relationship with Gordon before his accident and he has changed a lot...you miss your Gordon who you fell in love with! It must be very hard for you right now! it is very good that you have your much loved job though!

My son has changed a lot too, he is a different person to the one we raised for 19 years. I fully understand what you are talking about when you say Gordon has changed...they ALL change after head injury - unfortunately. The good news is that they also get back to their "close to normal" selves after few years. For some it takes longer for others faster. the bad news is that they are not aware of their changed personalities, and they become very challenging for their immediate family members... VERY, VERY hard labour of love to keep supporting and loving them! This all takes the carers' energy and without professional help, it's very hard to stay "sane", optimistic, energetic and really HELPFUL...it's 3 years since my son got injured, he is still not his "normal" self. I could support him only because I had professional help all these years. I could not work for 3 years, I devoted all my time to him - we were really down financially. I could not afford counselling - the church counsellor knew about the situation and she worked with me very often for free or for very minimal payment...we pulled through somehow, but I knew I had to have that professional help!

I wish I can help you in some way, but it is impossible to do so on this publik forum miles away from you! there are all the answers within you, it is just hard to recognise them without help. I hope you will find a professional counsellor who would guide you step by step through all this confusion and distress. this is a really hard one and will sure make you stronger if you take care of yourself.

I talked to many people who had some of their family members suffer from TBI in the past...What I heard was - it took time, but they all recovered really well eventually. This keeps my hopes up...

I pray that you get all the help and support you need right now! Let me know what is happening!

God bless you
Marianna

IP: 203.134.138.188

yelobus1
Member
posted 09-03-2003 07:32 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Marianna-
I am going to go to my friend's group again. She is a counselor. I used to go to her. It will be difficult with working but I am going to make the time. They meet every Wednesday in the AM. It's a group generally for women with all kinds of issues. Hopefully it is what I need. I am somewhat concerned about the fact that some people do not understand about brain injuries but I am willing to give it a try. I realy am not someone who falls in love like this nor chooses somebody who would be mean and nasty to me. Actually it seems like most relationships I have had are "flat." There is no dimension, no depth. Oh well, time will tell....I am constantly reminding myself that God will see this through and help me find the answers.

IP: 64.12.96.235

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 09-04-2003 06:12 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Sharon,

wonderful news to hear that you will be going to the group... can't wait to hear how it went for you.. it's difficult when the issues are focused around Gordon to speak with others who may not understand the total situation, however, it is also impt that you be supported for you and you alone.. my sense is that the group will not be judgmental and I pray it works well for you... keep us posted.

Take care
Gail

IP: 66.108.78.102

Marianna
Member
posted 09-06-2003 07:16 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Marianna     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Sharon,

i am overexcited by this news! You are doing really well! Do not worry too much about the group's luck of understanding, my counsellor has no understanding of TBI either, still she could help me beautifully! Group works are usually very powerful, even though every member has different issues. the main point is to be able to SHARE openly, to be open for genuine feedback as well and to stay with the group for minimum 8 weeks. there will be a temptation to stop going, somethimes it is very uncomfortable to face our painful things, but that's the way towards healing. Especially for us who love TBI victims. I cannot wait to hear your first news! PLEASE let us know how did you feel after the sessions. I am having a new counselling session from 17th this month. We will have a family therapy as well. I cannot see any other way for our family. We are all affected in a way.

May God direct your way toward healing,
marianna

IP: 203.134.138.70

yelobus1
Member
posted 09-06-2003 12:11 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for yelobus1     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Marianna/Gail-
I am not adverse to change or to facing problems. I have been in this group before. I have experienced a lot in my life and have grown tremendously through the years. That's one reason I knoew that God gave me this problem now because I would never have been able to face it years ago. Well, that's not really true but I am stronger than I have ever been. Through it all, I have actually grown further and friends have told me how good I look....that whatever is going on must be good for me. Seems strange but i BELIEVE IT'S THE LOVE i FEEL. No, I do not want to be abused or criticized constantly but I know that this is not Gordon. He was never like this until about April. I have faith thtat he will still get through this and be a better person through it all. If he had cancer, it would be understandable that when you love someone it is the bad times that make things stronger. I know he is just running from me. He even told me so. I still believe that underneath it all, it is all still there and my guess is that is why he is angry because he is having a major battle with himself inside. Love is confusing in itself but add the Brain Injury and we now have.....CONFUSION+!!!!Thanks for your encouragement. I love this woman and I have been a part of her group before.
SHARON

IP: 152.163.253.33

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 09-10-2003 08:15 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
You know Sharon, you already sound like your confidence is coming back and your energy is balancing more.. it's important to have your own life as well and to do things for yourself.. I think the group sounds like an incredible support and I know it will help move you through all this as well. I am excited for you...please keep us posted... take care
Gail

IP: 66.108.78.102


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