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Author Topic:   something I wrote
Daria
Member
posted 11-25-2003 01:26 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
This is just something I wrote, it may only make sense to me but I wanted to share it. Writing things down really seems to help me through these times.


For as long as I can remember it was your hands that healed me
Scratching my head
Touching my hair
Tickling my back so I could fall asleep
Your hands work better than medicine, better than any doctor
Your hands are magical, healing hands
When you wrap your arms around me
I am a child again, safe in your arms
Your hands touch my face and I feel so loved, so cared for
What am I going to do without those hands
Without your touch
Without your love
To make everything ok
Even though I am caring for you now
Holding your hands heal me
They make everything ok
How will I heal without your magical hands
Without your touch
Without your love, that makes everything ok

About my Mom
Daria

IP: 67.114.59.143

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 11-25-2003 04:22 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
This is beautiful Daria... keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.. have a peaceful Thanksgiving and a loving one..

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

GudiB
Member
posted 11-28-2003 11:57 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GudiB     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Daria, THANKYOU for sharing these words with us here. They make sense to ME!! I am also caring for my Mom like yourself and your words have touched my heart deeply. I am terrified of losing my Mom and the fear haunts me so badly that I am having regular nightmares. My Mom is not terminally ill but is suffering the physical consequences of drug abuse and laying in bed too much. She is weak and frail so every day is a blessing to me.
I sincerely hope you will be able to enjoy Christmas with your Mom and celebrate your birthdays together etc. (I read your other posts) I just turned 40 and my Mom made a tremendous effort. I was so grateful to God that we could celebrate together.
Wishing you continued strength and courage to face the future. Best wishes from Gudi.

IP: 195.93.34.11

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 11-29-2003 07:34 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Gudi,

Glad to hear from you..and that things are ok. I was very surprised to read that you were terrified of losing your Mom and the fear haunts you so badly.

Can you share what being terrified feels like for you. I am concerned that you are feeling as you do because you are more focused in the future perhaps than in the present moment and this type of thinking can really weigh heavy on your own emotions. Please keep us posted...

Take care

Gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

GudiB
Member
posted 11-30-2003 04:22 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GudiB     Edit/Delete Message
Dear Gail, Yes I can share what it feels like to be terrified of losing Mom. I know it is irrational and I try not to dwell on it. I am a very good-natured and easy-going person and usually cope well by taking one day at a time and not thinking to far ahead. The problem is the nightmares which began about 2 weeks ago. I wake up around 5.00am drenched in perspiration with my heart pounding in my chest. It takes me a while to calm down so I get up and make tea, stroke my dog etc which is therapeutic in itself. The dream is always the same: Mom has died in her sleep and I am frantically knocking on doors trying to get help. I am crying and no-one answers the door - everyone in the street is at work. It is a horrible dream Gail and I want it to go away!!
I feel it may be connected to my loss of self confidence recently. I care for Mom and live with her 24/7 and my life is centered around Mom and my desperate need for her to get well. I feel like a non-person at times because I can't go out to work and have gained weight and lost most of my friends. I love my Mom and don't blame her at all or begrudge the care. I just fear losing her and having no meaning or purpose left in my life. It must sound pathetic and silly to intelligent folk but it is very real to me.
Thanks for your kind concern. Best wishes from Gudi.

IP: 213.122.23.189

Daria
Member
posted 11-30-2003 01:47 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much I look forward to reading your posts! I don't have much extra time but when I do get a chance I come here!

Gudi
I can't tell you how much I relate to what you said about your lack of self confidence! I too am seriously lacking in that area right now. I have a wonderful fiance and a best friend that are constantly trying to build me up but, I too feel like a "non-person". I am totally consumed with the situation at hand and am giving it my all! Literally my all. Wish I knew what to do for us!

Daria

IP: 68.5.129.124

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 12-01-2003 08:05 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Daria,

For the time being, try to post often and express yourself here.. just venting and receiving support from those who understand can help you to build confidence and strength. You know the work you are doing is what people call "God's Work" even if you experience the mixed emotions which are normal to caregiving.. and if you could look at all you are doing as an observer without judgment, you would find you have nothing but the highest accolades for all you are undertaking... please keep us posted..

Gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 12-01-2003 08:21 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Gudi,

Yes, for the strangest reason many caregivers lose their self confidence and self worth during their role. At times, I lost it as well, especially when I began re-entering the business world. I think it is the lack of socializing and the isolation which does it. We have no feedback and support that commends us and tells us we are doing a great job in caregiving. Our wanting to stay in control and do everything possible sometimes brings us to a feeling of incredible "helplessness" thus contributing to the lack of confidence.. but the truth is while we may feel helpless we must put things in the proper perspective and remember that we aren't God. We cannot control another.. we can only love and advocate for them the best that we are capable of without destroying ourselves.. for if we let ourselves go and something were to happen to us who would care for them??????

My sense is also that you are experience some form of anxiety disorder or something of this nature. I don't want to make a diagnosis but if you could speak with the doctor or someone, perhaps they can give you something to relax you a bit more... or try to do some slow stretching and breathing exercises...


I think if you were to look at yourself as an outsider and observe all you have accomplished and all you have been doing you would give yourself a huge hug and a vote of confidence... take care

Gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

Daria
Member
posted 12-01-2003 05:39 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you Gail!

I have a great fiance, he is wonderful! I am finding that this is starting to take a toll on both of us. I am finding it hard to "come back to reality" when I come home from Mom's. I am kind of like a walking zombie. I don't want this to ruin my relationship. I'm scared. He is so supportive and loving and I am in a trance! This is the biggest roller coaster I have ever ridden. Thank you friends, for listening
Daria

IP: 68.5.129.124

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 12-01-2003 06:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Daria,

One of the most important things you must try to put your attention to is what ever you dwell on most surely shows up on the doorstep.. in other words, focus on what you do want with your Fiance and not what you are afraid of. If you are afraid of something, share it, talk it through, so it doesn't build inside of you from a mole hill type energy to a mountain.

Yes it is difficult dealing with everything, but you are doing it so try to get in touch with your emotions... set some time daily where you can write into a journal... write all the worries, fears, doubts into the journal.. it is a cleansing and healing to do this and it allows you to move forward without it weighing so heavily on you... a good time to do this is in private just before you go to sleep or upon rising ... it is an effort to do it at first and it is truly a committment to your own well being.. I totally encourage you to go for it... it truly works!!!!!!! keep us posted..

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

Daria
Member
posted 12-01-2003 08:58 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
I actually started to journal a couple of days ago. It is a nice release. I think the hardest thing for my fiance is to watch me in pain and to know that it was avoidable. My mom had the choice to quit drinking 3 years ago for a full recovery and two months ago for a partial recovery and she chooses to drink. It is hard for me to understand. I won't turn my back on her ever but, sometimes there is a lot of frustration and anger that I don't let her see because of the condition she is in. I feel safe at home so my tears and emotions are flowing. I know I will make it through all of this, it is just a hard ride
Daria

IP: 68.5.129.124

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 12-02-2003 04:56 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Daria,

The writing is good... try to keep it up .. as for your fiance.. he must be very sensitive and loving as you are and you are both fortunate to have each other...

As for your mom's condition, choices, drinking and the mixed emotions you are having, not to mention probably anger, resentment and frustration, have you ever considered getting involved with an AA program so that you could heal and move through this? I am not sure where you are living and what may be available to you, however, there is an incredible amount of dysfunction that exists in a household where children grow up and it usually follows them through adulthoood... I sense it would not be to your advantage to carry it with you..especially after your mother has passed...

take care

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

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