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Author Topic:   totally helpless
Daria
Member
posted 10-21-2003 11:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
Hi, I am at a loss. My Mom is dying from liver failure. She has been drinking for as long as I can remember. She is 62 years old, so young. I can hardly believe what is happening. She never tried to help herself and now it is way too late. I feel like I am going to snap!!!! I have so much to say and I feel so many emotions that it will probabaly not make any sense. My mom will not go to the doctor, she refuses any help unless it is from me. I am an only child and I feel overwhelmed everyday. I want to take care of her but I think she needs more than me. She should be in a hospital or have some kind of home care but, she says "no". She is in bed 90% of her life and what is happening to her physically is so sad. She can hardly walk because of the damage the alcohol has done to the nerves in her feet. I am afraid that when I am not in her house she may fall and hurt herself. I am sad that I am losing my mom and so sad that she is suffering; I am mad that she didn't get help before it was too late; I feel guilty when I am not with her. My mind is a tornado of emotions. I want to save her and I can't. I am so wound up, I feel like I am in a dream state. I could write forever but instead I will just ask for support or advice. Thank you
Dari

IP: 68.5.129.124

Diana Jaye
Member
posted 10-22-2003 05:23 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Diana Jaye     Edit/Delete Message
Daria,
Have you ever worked with Alanon regarding your mother? There is a lot of support there in learning to cope with a family member who is alcoholic. They help you deal with your anger and guilt toward your mother and yourself. It is a great place to begin to understand the perplexing and painful disease of alcoholism. Usually Alanon is listed in the phone book and there is often someone available to speak with you directly, or soon after your initial call.
It is very difficult dealing with a family member who refuses treatment. My mother will make every excuse in the book to avoid getting treatment for her hypertension which finally lead to multiple strokes. Even after the strokes, she continues to resist her medication. It is mystifying and maddening. I have found, though, that when my father has asked me to take care of her, I don't even bring up her medication. She actually starts being responsible for taking it. She asks me the time....she announces she is taking her medication, etc. I think she has realized she can't get a rise out of me anymore. She she just takes the meds and we talk about other things. Strange, huh? Perhaps you just have to let go with your mom and respect her choice not to take care of her disease. But you MUST take care of you!

Best of Luck to you, Daria....you are not alone. Please keep posting, I know our moderator will also have words of wisdom for you.

Mitakuye Oyasin
"We are all related"

IP: 68.202.87.67

Daria
Member
posted 10-22-2003 11:29 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
Thank you Diana for your kind words. I was involved in Alanon for years and I really should get involved again. Thank you for your support.
Daria

IP: 68.5.129.124

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 10-23-2003 03:35 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Daria

I am sorry to hear things are so difficult and that your mom is so far gone.. I would have suggested Alanon or AA as well just to help you process the myriad of feelings you are experiencing.

Unfortunately we all hate to see loved ones dying and suffering as well.. we feel so helpless and out of control... but it is between your mom and the creator... this way of being right in this moment is a lot of the way she has allowed herself to be in her entire life, drinking away the pain, etc.

I assume your mom is coherent.. I would encourage you to use this time to sit with her and gently let her know how this is effecting you.. let her know how you want to treat her and how you would like to help her be free of pain etc.. that you want her to have some help etc and take the pressure off yourself. Ask her if she cannot do this for herself to have compassion for you.

I hope that you will get some professional support for yourself.. it sounds like it may be crucial.. if you can write in a journal all the mixed feelings you are feeling, my sense is you will get a lot out of you that you are carrying from within and it's important to get it out...please, always feel safe to post here where we will all support you...and honor yourself for reaching out and doing what you are doing... please keep us posted. richest blessings
Gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

PrairieGal
unregistered
posted 10-28-2003 02:07 PM           Edit/Delete Message
Hi Daria...and welcome...

I can understand what you are going through...things in my life, while not exactly like yours, have left my head reeling at times...I am an only child too, so it seems more burden is upon us.
Your mom should really see a doctor...at least then she could be referred to get some in-home assistance. Also a referral to a social worker tohelp you and your mom through this difficult time might help.
You sound as if you are in dire need of a helping hand...too much stress never does any of us good, but unfortunately when we have ill loved ones stress goes with the territory...we just have to realize it and then work to take time for ourselves...if we get sick our parents will have noone...
Please take care of yourself. and please let us know how you are doing...
PrairieGal

IP: 24.78.152.163

Daria
Member
posted 10-29-2003 05:17 PM     Click Here to See the Profile for Daria     Edit/Delete Message
Hello
Thank you so much for your kind words. Mom still refuses to see a doctor but has agreed to get a riser for her toilet(which we took care of today) Just doing that makes me feel better. Right now I am doing ok. I have the most wonderful and supportive man in my life. He really helps me to stay focused on my health and myself. I am taking it one second at a time. We have all of the legal things, Will etc. taken care of so that extra stuff that can be extremely stressful is handled. Again thank you for your support
Love
Daria

IP: 68.5.129.124

GRM4LOVE
Moderator
posted 10-30-2003 05:15 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GRM4LOVE     Edit/Delete Message
Hello Daria,

Glad to hear you made some progress with your mom... and how wonderful to hear how supportive your dear hubby is.. that's the biggest blessing of all...

keep us posted.. don't lose faith.. take care

gail

IP: 66.108.72.20

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